simply ME, seriouslyBLUE

2012-01-05T07:52:00.001-08:00

CRY.

Pause

2011-12-27T03:38:00.001-08:00

In my life, there will always be pauses and points. Most of these parts, one would often hear me say the phrase: “I’m going to write about this tonight.” And a pile of thoughts would come and I cannot simply put everything into order. Words are rushing out and I can barely make a phrase from those words.

Tonight, I would say that I am on that phase of life. I am in a period or pause and the words are rushing. I want to write but I cannot figure out if which part or writing I should do. Is it to write and share what occurred physically or to share what happened inside my heart? I am in a rush to let these words come out. I am in a rush to listen to my mind saying something while I am writing this post.

I guess I’ll have to write about what happened inside my mind. My mind is powerful not because I have the superpowers but because I believe that I have something in me that scream: “Listen to me for I have amazing words to say.” Realizations would and appear then, lessons will be learned.

Maybe this is the reason why I am moving on and starting a new blog. I would then leave the past behind and then hopefully move on and forget every single bad thing that occurred but remember every single lesson learned. I am not moving on because I am scared of my past, I believe that I have overcome it and the prize of those things has been paid 2000 years ago. There are a lot of maybes inside my mind but one thing is certain. I am moving on because I believe that is what HE wants me to do. I won’t delete my old blog because those are evidences of my past but maybe there is something good about making a fresh start. A start that would mean happiness and fulfillment in glorifying His name; that is what I believe I should do. I should start again and be an instrument of changing the lives of the people around me.

back when love was unbearable

2011-12-05T07:39:00.000-08:00

love is an overrated word often misinterpreted by people. it is word often misused as something special but really, it is not. love is a common word said by teenagers, not to their parents to someone whom they mistaken as special of "the one."

what is love really?

for me, love is something genuine. love begins with God and it has no ending. it is a continuous action that everyone enjoys. love is all about security, trust, hope and forgiveness. love has something to do with both reality and dreams. love is a free gift that everyone enjoys from God.

-seriouslyBLUE-

P.S.: To be expounded soon. :)

Pantit

2011-12-02T08:07:00.000-08:00

and i am writing my first post of dedication to the people who inspired me in living life. i thought choosing on who to put first will be difficult but as i discern on the ranking, i realized that ranking is never important because everyone is playing different roles in my life.

for now, i want to share the story i wrote a couple of weeks ago inspired by a real incident. this is for Kuya Francis.

Francis

i settled for the place outside a big store. i placed my belongings at the right side while munching on the rotten corn I got from the trash can nearby. my stomach has been growling, i have not eaten since yesterday lunch so, i chose to compete with the worms and ate the only food i found; a sweet corn. but i can no longer tastes its sweetness and i didn't care. i choose to survive than to die but i still need to cry.

i want to cry for help and mercy. i want my questions to be answered. i want to testify and return the justice taken away from the different people that were cheated and lied.

i am a street child but that does not mean i am not capable of doing something.

i help people but most of the time, they judge me to be someone i am not.

will their perception change? will they see me differently?

the story above was inspired by an incident where my friend was almost robbed but because one of our companion saw the robber, he was able to prevent the act from happening. at some point, i got scared. i mean, i often walk on that street alone and i am mindless of the things going on but that incident changed it. it allowed me to think and ponder and to be very mindful with the things going on around.

the street is a place where the impossible happens. it is where we see street children, robbers, scam artists, vendors and the likes. when we try to look things at a different perspective, we often see that beauty is present on the streets. it is where we see hope a midst diversity and trials. the street is where people continue to live despite the inequality felt.

Kuya Francis was the guy who prevent the incident from happening. he is a hero at some point yet he continues to live the way he does. he is humble and kind and he sees things differently and i am happy that he was the instrument who guarded us from the bad people.

he is an inspiration.

soon, i'll be walking on that street again and if you will ask me if whether i am scared or not, i would answer no. NO because i believe that SOMEONE is always guarding me anywhere i go. i believe that i am not alone. i am a princess and a princess deserves to have angels and guards to protect her and i believe that i am surrounded by the proper people who are my angels, guards, sisters and brothers.

i feel special and i think that is what each one of us should feel because truth is, we really are special.

love lots,

Sheena

a dedication

2011-12-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

my recent tweets:

i never thought i will be this happy. :D #amazed

and i thought today will be another stressful day.. :)

my latest FB Status:

and my day ended the way it should be. :) happy. fulfilled. saturated. secured. blessed.

i often wonder if what lies ahead, whether it be good or bad, i am still hopeful that things will turn out well in the end. i often tell everyone that i have been having those "busy" days yet i still have that positive vibes in me. i still want to enjoy and smile a lot because that is how it should be. aside from the "busy" days, i am also having the amazing days, weeks and months of my life. yes, my days were filled with struggles but at the end of the day, i can still say that God is great and He is writing my life story perfectly.

as the year comes to an end, i would like to devote grab the chance of posting entries more often thus, each day i would dedicate a blog post to someone who has influenced me this year. this is a sort of thank you gift for all the good things that everyone did to me. i also want to show my appreciation to everyone who inspired in walking the path i think is right and for me.

happiness can be contagious and i hope that with the stories that i will be sharing in the next few days will inspire you to appreciate the good things that has been going on in your life.

life is awesome when you will know how to balance it and when you will know how to live it. and by living it, i mean doing things all for the glory of God. it is not about the actions but our intentions. God sees the heart and i believe that each one of us is capable of seeing other people the way God sees them.

i am really excited to post my first dedication blog but i'm still deciding on who to put on my list first.

don't forget to check on my blog tomorrow for the first person, who knows?

it might be you!

-seriouslyBLUE-

all to you

2011-11-30T09:21:00.001-08:00

today is the first of december and i feel like i already broke my promise of blogging more often this year. well, i have lots of excuse in not doing so and explaining it to everyone won't be that easy and i might take up too much of your time. i think it will be enough to say that i am busy yet happy. as the last month of the year starts, i feel like the previous amazing and disheartening events in life happened for years because thought of denial to the thought of acceptance is so far yet they have been cramped up in a year!

imagine being able to mingle with hundreds of people, each of them has stories to tell. i have been in love, fallen out of love and most of all: loved. i have been struggling with different things yet i became secure that something better is about to come. my year has been a roller coaster ride and sharing everything to you will never be easy. i think the best word to describe the last eleven months of my life will be FAITH.

i am in faith that no matter what circumstance i am in, i will still be able to survive and glorify my Creator's name. i still believe that all of my hopes and dreams will come true even if failures and heartaches happen. life is beautiful when one will truly embrace its real meaning.

i have been ask if what do i think is my purpose in life, i stand still and quiet. i did not know how to answer a common question that has been giving everyone a difficulty in answering. sooner though, i realize that my purpose in life is to have a relationship with HIM. He who is great, merciful, loving and kind. He who wants nothing but the best for everyone. at some point, i am happy that i was able to know this purpose and it is my hope that everyone of us will have a relationship with God.

i think you already have an idea of what i have been up to; i am busy in serving Him and in showing to the world what He is capable of doing and His capabilities are just amazing and mind-blowing.

i want to live each day of my life praising Him and glorifying His name because He deserves it.

Romantic Relationship: Heartaches and Joys

2011-10-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

I will be lying if I'll say I don't care about romantic relationships because honestly, I do. I think of who is my partner a lot lately and I think of what kind of future will we be having. Yes, I am that serious when it comes to relationship. I care more about the future other than the present. I do not want to be in a relationship just to have someone to hug and to hold hands with because honestly, I have a lot of guy friends who are willing to hug me and hold my hands. I do not feel the pressure of having a boyfriend right now because I know that the right time will come for him to arrive and besides, I do not want to compromise.

I have had my own stories of heartaches and pains and I am not bitter. Yes, I am scared to be hurt but I do not really think that there should be a reason that I should be hurt because if he is the one then he would treat me right.

Everyday, hearts get broken and some people tend to hate each other then my thoughts are; if only they are willing to wait and not hurry love these things will not happen, if only they will wait that they will be established and successful, then they will not cry over someone who is not even worth the time and effort.

The one for you will come when you are happy and in love with yourself. I am not saying this just because I am babbling, I am saying these things because at some point, I was the person who hurries love and who gets easily brokenhearted. I was the person who never believed that love can wait but look where I am now. Yes, I was broken but I am slowly making my way to what I call as a new beginning.

I am moving on and I hope people who has the same attitude as I have will change too. This will really make a better world. :)

-Sheena-

Barricade

2011-10-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

Love is such a strong word so as hate, drama, lie and suicide. Love is a beautiful emotion one could ever feel and experience while hate, drama, lie and suicide are words better heard than done. Love could make a person happy and sad at the same time and love may also be an emotion that one fears to feel.

In the past, I have been in love with different guys. Some feelings were spoken while some were better left unsaid.

I have observed that I often fall in love with guys who talk to me or who spend time with me a lot. What I feel for them was not love at first sight but rather a developing love. It was more about getting to know a person first before falling in love but at some point, I could say that I was just too focused on the positive side and I didn’t recognize the person’s insensitive attitude or weird sense of fashion. I was foolish and childish in loving a person the wrong way. It was not love I felt but rather craziness; a wrong form of admiration.

As time passed, I began to slowly realize that love is an established emotion. It is important because of many reasons and love will always equate to acceptance. Love is no longer about a person’s uniqueness but about accepting that the person is just like the other people who commits mistake and who is imperfect.

Up to now, I still struggle on dealing with people; guys especially. I still struggle on how to put a gap between the new me and my fragile emotion that easily stumbles to sweet guys. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I fall in love easily. To ask for my love is not a difficult thing to ask from me. I show my love to everyone in different ways but at some point, my actions of love is tainted with different wrong perceptions.

Wrong perceptions would lead to misunderstandings and misunderstandings would lead to huge trouble. I realized that when I stay away from kind-hearted and sweet guys, I will be attracted to no one and I will be able to live a peaceful life.

Special guys come. These special guys are the exception to the rule. They continue to live by my side, be sweet and kind but I never fall in love with them simply because they are either taken or I treat them as my brother.

Then a question popped out of my mind, if I will be able to control myself from falling in love with these guys why can’t I trust myself to be with the other guys?

I will answer my own question. I cannot do so because I do not know how and I am having a difficulty. I can’t find the difference of attraction and friendship. My life is tragic but I’m on my way to learning and controlling.

It is just that, I am keeping a good distance from some special guys right now. I am scared that I will fall too deep and I won’t be able to rise up in the end.

Life is different now. I should not just keep distance but also be careful of my actions because it is difficult to rise back after a deep fall. I am not ready to fall in love again because I am inspired to wait for the right time and with the right person.

For the Special Girl

2011-08-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

This post is for the girl who makes me laugh, smile, cry, worry and proud. This is for the girl who makes my lazy days great and worth it.

Distance is nothing in our relationship, we dealt with it for a year and I do not think it will be a hindrance in nurturing the friendship that we have. You are not just a friend but a best friend. You make me feel valued and special. You are that one person who notices when I something is bugging me. We have not seen each other for a long time but that does not mean anything. You are special in my life and in my family’s life. You became a great part in my growth as a person and though we are totally different, we have crossed the gaps and boundaries because we know it is worth it. I may not be there for you all the time even if I want to, bear in mind that no matter what; I am just a call away.

I miss the random wild moments and I am sorry if I miss out a lot of fun. Since we are both 18, I am willing to give you a chance to make me do crazy things for a day. Thank you for teaching me how to enjoy and let go of my worries because you will always be there to help me in projects, assignments and programs. We shared different moments together but nothing beats the getaways that we experienced whether it was a flop moment or a successful one. Flop moments are always great because that is when we learn great and fun things.

I hope to share more special and fun times with you and I hope that someday, when everything is laid back and on the perfect place; we will have the time to reminisce everything and share our stories to our families.

Have a great day Yen! You deserve to be happy and though it might be cheezzzy and corny; I miss you and I love you.

-Sheena-

Love vs Sex

2011-07-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he was waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98% of teenagers will not stand up for God? Repost this as Love vs. Sex if you truly believe in God. PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what and if you stand up for him he will stand up for you. I bet 93% of the people that read this wont repost it. I read this and reposted it. Well I bet you read this note because of the title, didn't you?

The Perfect Time to Officially Move On

2011-07-11T09:00:00.001-07:00

My life is well written. The Author planned carefully that he allows things to happen at the best time. In my life now, it seems like everyone is trying to say good bye. I am learning to get used to things that I never imagined I would get used to.

Good byes are oftentimes said now and so as hello. Every end does not really mean end, it always mean as a beginning of something that is better and more beautiful. Turning back from something does not always mean that I was hurt, sometimes it means that I should increase my standards and look for something that I truly deserve.

The old has gone and the new has come. I hope to be a new person because I know I am destined to be one. I won't settle for a lesser me but instead, I will still strive hard to be someone that I didn't expect to become.

I am saying good bye to the past life that I had and maybe to some people who played a significant part in my life but eventually let go of me. I hope though that even if things are changing, the lessons that I learned won't be forgotten and will still be instilled on my mind for a long time. ^_^

-Sheena-

rant 003

2011-07-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

the silence of the night woke my inner voice and feelings. another day of the norms: classes, schoolwork, assignments, projects, chitchats and imaginations of you. you who changed my perspective in a different way. a simple sight of you would make me smile and would erase all the worries away. my life is not that great now. i made mistakes and failures and most of all, i have fallen in love with you. you whose name should never be mentioned and you who is so passive and insensitive of what i am feeling. i guess it is better this way, we do not see each other that often and we do not communicate so much. this is part of the process that i have to go through to forget you. i have to move on even if i do not want to. we are not meant for each other right now and this is something i am sure of. i miss you though and i will always miss talking to you.

if it will be us in the end, i will be happy and i will rejoice but if we are not; maybe we are destined to be with someone better. we deserve someone good because we are the people who knows how to love.

-seriouslyBLUE-

2011-06-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

i'm taking comfort in my home; this is where i can say everything and anything i want. i feel broken, hurt, imperfect, insecure and maybe insane. i am looking down at myself as if i am someone who can't do anything. i feel worst than how i felt a month ago. i feel useless and such a piece of crap. today, i made a mistake and maybe it is a mistake done to identify who truly accepts me for me and not for the person i wanted to be. i ask people of their opinions and hope that i will learn from them and not really imitate what they want to do. sometimes, i tend to follow people and sometimes, i live life depending on what will other people choose. but at some point, i realized that i have to be myself and choose whatever i want no matter what the cost is.

i have started making decisions on my own without looking at others, i still need to learn a lot of things. i am so glad that i am now surrounded by the right people who will guide me in making decisions and in taking the right path. tonight, i am just really hurt and confuse.

-seriouslyBLUE-

If You Stay

2011-06-26T08:34:00.001-07:00

So, why has it been almost two years since I was in a relationship? Was I too hurt to think of getting involved into more than afternoon walks and constant text messaging? Was it that long since I last got involved or along the way, I was at some point involved with other people but never actually got the courage to confirm what we have?

I am babbling and I do not know why.

I was with my close friend later this afternoon when she popped out the question. "Don't I miss being in a relationship?"

Then, I am here to answer her question in a blog form. J

My life has not really been that special even if I am into a relationship. Yes, I get cuddles and constant text messages telling me how much I value to that person and I talk to him almost every day. I share my sentiments to him and the list lengthens, I thought life is only about relationships. My last relationship was when I was in third year, it ended terribly but it did not stop me from loving or liking guys. I have not thought of getting into a relationship for a long time because I am happy with my life. I realized that there is more to life than being with a guy or being engaged with someone deeply.

This feeling of satisfaction even strengthened when I started listening to the scriptures and it opened a door for me to understand deeply the meaning of perfect timing and perfect love. I was not actually a believer of true love waits but I used to believe that when it is there, you have to grab it directly coz it might not come back but actually, it is the other way around. I should test it if it will really work in different instances so that the situation will strengthen the relationship and the more hardships, the more beautiful it will be in the end.

If I want cuddles and reminders of love, my friends are always there for me. I have a family who never fails to remind me how much I value to them. Not only do I have my biological family but I also have extended family in school, in church and even in my neighborhood. I feel important and loved even if I do not have guy to call my own. For now, I am contented with crushes and the random love interests but never a serious one. I should learn to value the whole point of love and understand that love is such an important emotion that should not be forsaken.

Above all, I do not feel weak of anything because I know that my God is the God of love and of everything. Everything starts with God so I should learn more about him than learn more information of my crush or love interest who might just be an ordinary passerby. J

-Sheena-

2011-06-24T10:37:00.001-07:00

since some of our common friends know that i like you, i'd like to think that you also told them how much you value and appreciate everything in me. i hope things between us will be clearer but i hate to assume coz i still believe that if it is really us, it will really be us in the end no matter how long the awkward and unknown stage may be.

Why Sunset?

2011-06-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

I never really thought I would come to a point that I would I say I love Sunsets but now, I am saying it. I love sunsets because it allows the different blend of color in the sky, not only is the sky blue but at some time, it becomes purple-ish and light red and the likes.

In my world of symbolism, the sunset plays a great role in my life. Sunset for me is the time when I have to rest it all and leave everything for the next day. It may symbolize end but that end also means that something is going to start soon. Sunset is the period of change in someone’s life. It allows a person to wander around and observe the beauty around him. I am not here to debate that the sunset is better than sunrise, I am here to say my stand and I have nothing against sunrise.

This morning, I got see sunset in the morning. There was a lunar eclipse, I woke up at 5:00 to see the sky turning to red-orange, and it amazed me to see that scene. It was something that I have not been able to see yet and it was amazing.

Everything I see right now depicts beauty in different ways. Some may be vague and weird but I just have to look deeper and understand the message that the event is telling me. I like to think that everything will result to goodness but if it will not, then I just have to be prepared of what is about to happen in the future. J

I suggest, you watch the sunset because it is a scene that money cannot buy and one more thing, try watching it with the person you love and that moment will become priceless.

-Sheena-

Now I Know

2011-06-24T09:28:00.001-07:00

I have a place that makes me very comfortable no matter what I feel. I love the coziness of the bed and air that passes through my huge windows. My room gives me the comfort that I could not find anywhere else. My house in general is the place where I could freely talk or cry, I tend to do everything that I could to enjoy the luxury of home. No matter how far I have been to, I always look for ways to go home and relax.

Just like my favorite place, I also have that one person who I will always turn to whenever things are not turning out well. If I were over with my crush, I would run back to him and reminisce the beautiful times we had together. Right now, I am slowly moving on from my crush and I guess the reason why I said this is because I found myself browsing that person’s profile again. I realized that I am over someone if I am starting to run back to him and remember everything that happened.

It is not all about the person but I guess it is all about the strong emotion I have for that person that no matter who I like, there will always be the point in my life that I will turn back to him and continue to love him no matter how has he been doing and the likes. Truth is, right now… I terribly miss him and I would love to see him soon but I still believe that I should wait for things will happen at the right time and with the right person. Whether it is love I feel or what, he will always be a part of my life in a way or another.

He is that one person I would run to whenever everything is not the way it used to be. J

-Sheena-

Becoming Me

2011-06-14T19:06:00.001-07:00

I am who I am because I believe in myself and other people believed in me.

Today, I attended the Sunday Service of Victory Mandaue and I had a blast listening to the preaching and words delivered by inspiring people. I did not regret going to the place even if it was far and I never imagined myself going but things happen for a reason and this time, I know the answer to the why question. I was overwhelmed and inspired today that I was able to realize how special I am in God's eyes.

I was once an irresponsible child. I forsake the things that I have since I actually thought everything was nothing. I got used to being pampered and to getting what I want without even begging so much that I never realized what it was like for other people who never really got what they even need. I have so many friends that I never felt so alone in my life but things started to change and my life started to fall apart. Not literally, but at some point things just did not work out.

Someone encouraged me to join small group discussions and talk about random things but I ignored the invitation. If I was in the mood to talk, I would attend but most of the time, I would choose to be with my other set of friends or do work that are not really that important. At some point, I got guilty and I got the message that my mentor was trying to convey. She understands me all the time and she was patient with me. Not too long from that, I started joining the group discussions most of the time until I realized that I was going way beyond other's are undergoing. My discussion became rigid that I started to ask for more until I met the different people behind the organization.

You must believe me when I will say I got so interested in the organization because of a guy. A guy who got my attention and who literally made me speechless when he approached me for the first time. Days passed and I suddenly realized that I was not active because of him anymore. I became active because I like what I am doing. I enjoyed the company of the people and the activities that we do actually made me become a better person and a person closer to God.

I started to long for more and it seems like what I get is not enough. I became a part of something because I know that things just do not coincidentally happen here. Things happen because of a reason and that reason is something that only God could reveal. This Sunday is the first Sunday that I fully embraced the whole thing about Christianity and surprisingly, I did not feel any guilt for not going to the Catholic Church. I praise the same God, what difference does it make?

I am just happy to be a part of Lifebox and I am so bless to have amazing people around me.

-Sheena-

Genuine Happiness

2011-06-14T19:04:00.001-07:00

Something that comes from within and it cannot be replaced by anything.

My brother and I are the typical siblings who often fight and we have opposing ideas. He is a Dallas fan while I am forced to take Miami's side in order to battle up with him. I never understood the real meaning of the word siblings since I actually thought that my brother is there to bug me, to annoy me or simply ruin my life but I have to defend myself and I have to say I really did a great job in taking care of my brother. I was with him through thick and thin; ever since he started training and playing basketball, I was always with him. I bring his bag; I give him water and the likes. I took care of him when he was injured and I laugh at him when he makes that cute annoying and scared face, the face only people close to him will recognize.

When I talk about the bad side, I will really be honest about this and admit that I annoy him most of the time. I got his spot as the youngest in the family and I really get his attention when I talk about cute guys. He would say they have weird names or they are not that intelligent and all the other bad things that guys I like could have. The only guy he liked was my first love. They play basketball together and it amazes me how that guy could give my brother what he wants like a shot or a rebound. That is how it worked between him and me but that is not what we are supposed to talk right now.

My brother never did something extra-special to me except that one time, I could not move my wrist due to sprain and I could not handle holding spoon or fork so he was forced to literally feed me. That was the greatest thing he did aside from the small things that he did that may seem irrelevant but really, I would be starving if he were not there at some time since I do not really know how to cook real food.

You can now picture my brother as a man who seldom smiles and who plays basketball and who cooks real and yummy food. So tonight, I received a call from an unknown caller. I thought it was someone from school. Then I suddenly realized that it was my brother's voice on the other line. I was surprised by what happened since we barely talk when we are together and now he is calling me.

I know that this is a chance for me to make things right. I should stop annoying him and work hard to maintain the communication. I should trust him and believe that he can do things that are thought to be beyond his capabilities. I know that I have done many mistakes and I should work hard in correcting these mistakes and trust that he is always at his best.

I really believe that things happened for a reason because I attended the service last Sunday and it talked about believing that the next generation is capable of doing anything if only people will believe in them. Well, my brother will soon be taking numerous college entrance exams and I believe that he will do his best in reaching his goal whatever it may be. I hope he will realize that no matter what, I am always here for him. J

-Sheena-

The One Love

2011-06-14T19:02:00.001-07:00

Maybe I have been talking so much about inspiration, friendship, God, and love but I will not stop talking about these things since this is how I escape from the cruel world of homework, essays, speech and equations. I need to do something that is beyond what is expected of me to do. So, I make typographies and write quotes that I can relate and I talk about my life and other people's lives a lot. My blog started years ago and I am happy to keep it running even if I am not consistent in posting entries.

**********************

I checked his Facebook profile. I am not stalking or I am not interested on what he is up to. I just want to see his picture and page and I just want to awaken that part of me that always longs for him.

My first love. My one great love. He is the person who was never absent in my mind no matter how busy I get. Memories often flood when I remember him. I last saw him few months ago. He came to my house and we talked. Our communication is back and I could not help but feel that joy inside me that has been asleep for a long time. I miss him so much especially now that my ideal man is nowhere to be found and I sometimes feel empty inside. I miss how w e used to fight and talk. I miss the teases that our teachers do whenever we are fighting or whenever we are talking behind each other's back. I always get that report when he talks about me in front of his friends or other people. We seldom get our cheesy moments since we usually have fighting sessions.

I could tell that he loves my brother since they play basketball together and now, it seems like things changed. There were no traces of fights or misunderstandings; all we have is the present. We have the life that we never planned on having. I still remember your dreams and how we combined them with mine. I could not help but ask the 'what ifs and what could have been.' I never thought I was that closed minded before, I dreamed about small things but later realized that there is a bigger world outside our comfort zones.

Now that our paths seem to cross again, what could possibly go wrong or go right? I hate to expect and assume but at some point, I do. Because of all the things that happened and with all the guys that I met, there is still that feeling in me who longs for you. It is just so amazing that I have gotten so ambitious and motivated to go away from the kind of life I am used to yet if there is that something or someone that I would like to keep, it will always be you. You who hurt me before and you who allowed me to go to an adventure alone, you who never stop me from doing the things that I wanted to do, you whom I love and care for. The thought of you never fails to make me smile.

-Sheena-

Unbreakable Bond

2011-06-14T19:01:00.001-07:00

Five years from now, I would want you to walk down the aisle wearing the wedding gown that you kept in the cabinet and dad would wear his barong again. Rex will be the best man and I will be the maid-of-honor. We will settle for some kids to be the ring bearer and flower girl since you will not have your grandchildren yet by then. We will only invite the special people in our lives. We will do everything to have it all your way no matter how corny it will get. The same cake will be made, the red huge cake that you had before. I want it to be perfect.

The future will happen at the right time but the present is important more than anything. Rewind twenty years ago, you said your vows in front of the altar. You were filled with joy since that day marked your decision of creating a new family. A family that you both hoped to manage successfully and believe me when I say, you did. Rex and I grew up to be responsible kids plus the lazy behavior. ^_^ I could say that because unlike any other kids, we value the principles that you instilled to us since we were young. We go to church as a family and we value trust and love so much. You respect our opinions and before making a great decision, you confide us first and listen to what we say. For me, you are a great example of a good couple.

I feel proud when I hear people say you are an amazing husband, Dad and I love it when you will do your best to understand Dad, Mom. You are a great couple and I think you should know that. I am happy that no matter what misunderstandings you have, you always do your best to settle it and make up for it. It has been twenty years and I believe that nothing could ever break you, not even death because I believe that you love each other so much and you value each other the way you value your own selves. I would like to have a marriage as strong as yours and I know that I will have it at the right time. Right now, all I care is the continuous strong relationship you have. J

Continue loving each other Mom and Dad and I am proud of what and who you are.

-Sheena-

2011-06-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

"It all changed. You’re not the boy I once knew. And I guess I’m not the girl I used to be. You chose the easy way out, and let me remind you that I am by far not the easy way out. You gave up when things got too hard and now all we have are stolen glances and memories of a boy I used to know.”

Sea of People

2011-06-07T06:20:00.001-07:00

I am surrounded by the same people for a year and it seems weird that sometimes, being with them feels like losing my identity and my capability. Yes, I am talking about my insecurities right now and I am fine if you will close the tab and walk away. I am used to people walking away and sometimes, I wonder if I am really worth it to go out with.

About a year ago, I was forcing my parents to allow me something that I hope would make me happy and fulfilled. I was so optimistic that I failed to realize the whole point of getting in. I chose a life minus my idea of luxury. I cook my own food and I wash my own clothes. I clean my crib and I basically do everything all the time. I have nothing against this. I wanted to be independent but sometimes, being independent is not just about doing chores and paying bills. It is all about learning to be alone and standing on your own.

I am in a life filled with people yet these people have changeable attitudes. I wish I could be a better person for them and I hope that they will also be better people to me. I just wish things never changed. I wish I were still surrounded by the same people in high school.

I miss my BLOCKERS and Mara and my guy best friend. I just want things to go back to normal and it won't be as if, I am invisible. L

-Sheena-

Growing Up Minus the Lousy Attitude

2011-06-07T05:20:00.001-07:00

I was one of those teenagers who lie to their parents and fight with them constantly but never was I the type who keeps grudges. I was a normal teenager before but things changed when I experienced different challenges with my parents as my backbone. I became a different teenager.

I am now in my late teens and I have come across different problems.

My parents do not give me everything I like and they do not allow me to go out with my friends whenever I want. I have a curfew earlier than everyone else's does and I do not mingle to people that much. I am not allowed to drink without my parents around and my parents taught me that smoking is a bad thing. When I was younger, soda was a great no-no and junk foods were not considered as food. In my neighborhood, my brother and I are considered as the disciplined and almost perfect on. I get good grades and I was a leader in school, I go to church every Sunday with my family and I wear decent clothes. I was not allowed to go out without combing my hair and I was taught how to be independent at an early age. I was taught how to face elders the right way and I participate in our business as early as 8 years old. That was my normal world but things changed when I learned that things are not supposed to be always perfect.

I learned how to disobey rules when I was in grade five; I thought I have fallen in love at an early age. I learned to lie and to go against what my parents are saying and soon, I have learned to be a rebel but I have learned to be a silent rebel. No one knew about my actions but my parents and I. I was the younger teenager that not every person ever knew about. Hidden inside the decent façade is the rebellious and imperfect attitude. Everyone but my parents believed that I am at my best always. I have learned of the things outside my comfort zone and I have been trying to explore them on my own. Then I got the chance to be completely independent. I have been looking forward to being on my own.

My parents provided me with perfect shelter, allowance and everything that I never expected to have. Then, my silly attitude changed into something that I never thought I could have. I have learned that my parents love me so much and I have realized different random things that I never knew existed in my mind but my mind was not working anymore; my heart was taking over.

I get easily teary-eyed and whenever I get the chance to be cheesy with my parents, I would tell thank them always. I have never gotten to the 'I love you' part yet but when things would get really cheesy, I would tell them how much I love them and how much I have been trying to do my best in order for them to be proud of me. Seriously, I am but things are not always easy and sometimes it takes a lot of strength to do things and maybe the right time has not come yet. Patience is an essence in this life and maybe I still need to do a lot of waiting and understanding.

I understand the strictness of my parents because those things happen for a reason. I have learned the value of curfew and good manners and honesty is always an issue in life. To quote my friend's friend: "You know, you can have everything you want by just being honest." Then I started to be honest with my parents with what I like and maybe they started to realize that too much strictness is not enough. Whatever may happen, one thing is certain in my life: I love my parents so much that I am willing to give up everything for their happiness.

-Sheena-

Tagalog Rant

2011-06-02T05:47:00.003-07:00

Okay na sana ang buhay ko. Nag-aaral ng college, maraming crush pero walang sineseryoso hanggang sa nasali ako sa isang organisasyon. Hindi ko alam na sa araw nap ala yun kop ala makikilala ang lalaking gusto kong ipakilala sa aking mga magulang. Isang normal na lalaki na hindi naman masyadong gwapo ngunit ang mga mata niya ang nakapag-pagaan ng loob ko sa kanya. Nag-usap kami pero hindi iyon seryoso hanggang sa halos araw-araw na kami nagki-kita. Wala lang yun sa akin. Nag-sem break na at umuwi ako sa probinsya namin, nakita ko uli siya at bigla kaming nagka-lapit. Hindi ko alam na sa panahong iyon ay dahan-dahan akong nag-kakagusto sa kanya.

Isa siya sa mga mabait na lalaking nakilala ko, matalino siya at mahal niya ang kanyang pamilya. Lahat na yata nasa kanya. Maraming beses na kaming nag-kasama at nag-kausap at sa mga sandaling iyon, dahan-dahang nadadagdagan ang pagka-gusto ko sa kanya.

Pasukan na ulit at nasabi ko na sa aking mga kaibigan ang pagka-bighani ko sa kanya pero alam kong hanggang doon lang iyon.

Isang araw, pumasok ako sa klase at bigla ko nalang siyang nakita at nalaman ko na magkaklase pala kami. Naging groupmates kami at pagkatapos ng aming klase ay sabay kaming bumababa at bahala na kung saan kami mapadpad, pero karaniwan kaming nakikita na naka-upo habang kumakain ng banana cue o di kaya ay ice cream. Paborito namin ang ice cream, siya ang nag-lilibre sa akin ng ice cream habang ako naman ang nanlilibre sa kanya ng banana cue paminsan minsan.

Karaniwan na kaming nakikita sa school na nag-lalakad patungo sa kung saan saan. Karaniwan sa aming mga lakad ay hindi plano, bigla nalang kaming nag-kikita at nag-sasama na. Marami ang nag-aakalang magkasinatahan kami o di kaya ay magkapatid. Sa panaginip ko naalng siguro siya magiging kasintahan. Marami na ang nangyari ngunit hindi pa rin naging kami. Palagi na kaming nakikitang kumakain ng hapunan, nag-simba narin kami pero sadyang kapatid lang ang turing niya sa akin.

Natapos na ang school year, buong bakasyon kapag na-iisip ko siya… takot ang nararamdaman ko. Takot na baka pag-nagkita kami uli ay hindi na pareha nung dati. Malapit ng matapos ang bakasyon, nag-balik ako sa paaralan para gumawa ng mga bagay-bagay. Nag-kita uli kami at labis ang saya ko dahil ganoon pa rin ang nang-yayari. Nilibre na naman niya ako ng ice cream at nag-lakad na naman kami sa kung saan-saan. At ngayong araw, mas nag-kagusto ako sa kanya dahil sa mga sinabi niya at dahil narin tanggap niya ang kung sino ako. Hindi pala siya perpekto gaya nung inaakala ko, tamad rin siya paminsan-minsan ngunit ang kanyang imperpeksyon ang nakakapag—sabi na tao rin siya kagaya ko. Tumakbo kami sa ilalim ng malakas na ulan para lang maka-uwi ako.

Gusto ko siya pero hindi naman ibig sabihin na gusto ko na siyang makarelasyon. Kaibigan muna at tingnan lang natin kung ano ang mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw. Para siyang kapatid ko pero na-iilang ako sa kanya. Gusto ko siyang yakapin gaya ng ginagawa ko sa mga kaibigan kong lalaki pero parang may ibang pwersa na nag-sasabing huwag. Gusto kong hawakan ang kanyang kamay o di kaya ay akbayan gaya ng ginagawa ko sa ibang mga kaibigan ko pero hindi ko rin ito magawa. Kung bakit ay hindi ko alam.

Maraming tao ang nag-tatanong kung kami na ba. Gusto kong sagutin ng: 'Wish ko lang.' Pero natatakot ako dahil baka marinig niya at mailing siya sa akin. Mabuti na iyong ganito, sikreto lang muna. Okay na ako dito. Natatakot rin ako at baka kung maging kami man ay mag-hihiwalay din kami sa huli at masasaktan lang naming ang isa't-isa. Ayaw ko ng ganoon. Mas Masaya ang kaibigan.

Ito ang buhay ko ngayon maliban sa ibang mas importanteng bagay na naganap. Hindi ako masaya masyado pero ok na rin ang ganito at baka sa sobrang saya ay maubos na ang kasiyanahan ko bukas. J

-Sheena-

Something worth Fighting

2011-06-02T05:47:00.001-07:00

I have come across different problems in my life. I have been through almost everything that someone has undergone; love problems, financial problems, grade problems, family trouble, friendship misunderstandings and faith problems. Each of them I face with great strength and confidence but sometimes, these things are not the only ones you have to own in order to surpass these problems. The greatest possession that one should have will be love. Love that is unconditional and limitless and these things are owned by the people who love his own self more than anything in the world.

Love is a powerful emotion that one could possess and it is the greatest gift that one could give to other people. I am blessed to have received this kind of love from other people but the love that I value the most is the love that my parents give to me. It is unconditional and through this love, they learned to understand and accept me for who I am. Their love allows me to keep on moving and living. Sure, with what I have gone through, I have all the reason to commit suicide or to give up and be a nomad but with their continued support, I have learned to love me as a person more and to value myself more.

I am imperfect, though being human is not enough reason for my imperfections, I should learn to value this imperfections because soon they will be the reason of my success. Imperfections allow people to learn and grow as a person. These will be useful in the future and with enough faith, I will learn how to withstand the challenges brought by these things. I love myself and I guess that is enough reason to continue the fight of life and not give up.

-Sheena-

My Normal Conversation

2011-06-02T05:46:00.001-07:00

Hann: Sheeeen! When are you coming to Cebu?

Sheen: I'm here na-

Hann: What? You didn't tell me!

Sheen: I was with my mom, we arrived yesterday-

Hann: You didn't tell me!

Well, I miss Hannah so much. I miss talking to her about everything under the sun. I just wish we could still hang out this year.

-Sheena-

Money and the World

2011-06-02T05:45:00.003-07:00

Money does make the world go round but that does not mean that the world is revolving happily. If I were to choose whether to have the biggest house or the bungalow, I would choose the bungalow. If I were to choose whether to marry a Prince or a real simple gentleman, I would choose the latter. There are simple things that I would rather have than have something that could be beyond my control. I love taking risks and I know that these risks would teach me different lessons but that does not mean I will be happy. Real happiness comes when one opt to have a simple life than a complicated one.

There is that point in one's life that they commit mistakes and failed to weight the situations properly, people closed their eyes to the things that they do not want to happen but could actually happen. My group is facing a somewhat complicated situation due to disputes and miscommunication. Everyone is talking about his or her opinion and side but I do not think that it is all about taking sides, I think it is all about the money.

Sometimes, the human nature tends to be greedy and allows a certain person to act foolishly. I am not about to voice out my opinion but I just want to tell other people that we should be careful in every decision we make because these decisions will soon depict who you are in the society or in a group.

Having lots of money does not necessarily happiness; it might mean complication.

Let us keep things simple and pleasant.

-seriouslyBLUE-

Growing Up Minus the Lousy Attitude

2011-06-02T05:45:00.001-07:00

I am now in my late teens and I have come across different problems.

-Sheena-

2011-05-23T02:42:00.000-07:00

I MISS YOU.

I MISS YOU. A LOT. AND I'M SCARED THAT THINGS MIGHT NOT BE THE WAY IT USED TO BE. :|

Fear Inside

2011-05-17T08:47:00.001-07:00

I am scared of…

… not being able to graduate.

… getting married at the wrong time and with the wrong guy.

… eating all the words that I've said before.

… being the girl that my mom hates.

… not becoming the person other people expected me to be.

… not becoming the perfect wife and mother.

… not being the person that I imagined to be.

This and many more fears are currently stuck in my head. I am scared of failing and disapproval. I often thought there will never be such thing as losing in my life but this is something that I did not expect to happen. I have to admit that I am such a mean person when it comes to dealing with people that I do not like. I sometimes brag about what I have and despise others who I think are lower than I am. I often judge people directly without even thinking about their feelings and emotions. And now, I am scared that those things I did would come back to me. I am scared of being treated the way I treated others.

I know that with what I am thinking, I have already started to mature and grow up. I become an improved person and with this, I can say that I have left that childish part of my life and I have opted to become a mature individual. Right now, when I hear people talking about other people, I could not help but feel irritated because I kept on thinking why would other people mind someone else's business.

I was like them before but it did not stay for too long since I am greatly affected by other people's feelings. I know I hurt them if I mind their business because I was once like them and it sucks.

I really hope we could stop hating each other and start loving. Let's not mind the bad side of a person but focus on the positive side, instead. J

-Sheena-

rant 003

2011-05-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

i really love the fact that though we haven't seen each other for almost two months, you are still as awesome as you were before. my thought of admiring you is still there and yes, you are one of the best guys that i've met so far. i like you and i like you so much that. i really hope you will be my friend for a really long time because someone like you gives inspiration to my life. i may be so cheezy and crazy and my feeling for you would come and go, everything i wrote is always kept in my heart... thank you so much. ^_^

-seriouslyBLUE-

2011-05-16T03:20:00.000-07:00

because falling in love sucks and today, i feel like crap thinking about you and my whole idea of who you are. now that i found you, it is just the same as finding the other half that should better be left undiscovered. like and love or whichever, for me it is just synonymous to hate and ignore.

-seriouslyBLUE-

Rant 002

2011-05-08T06:45:00.000-07:00

"She has feelings; she has a heart. In fact, she probably has the biggest heart among all the girls you know. Because although you’ve given her nothing, not one reason for her to be around, she’s still there. And

someday, she won’t be anymore."

the day has come that i stopped caring because i do not really think that it matters anymore. i mean, we talk a lot but i do not see the point of talking when all that is being mentioned is about you and your life and your criticisms about my chosen life. at first, i thought it is fun to be constantly talking but i recently realized that it should not be this way. i love my life now that i have moved on from you. i will be talking to you probably, out of friendship and respect, but i will not be acting as if i care so much. i think it is time to act like who i am individually and not as someone who is willing to catch you when you fall all the time. i have a life to live and i happier now. i hope you will be too. ^_^

love lots,

Sheena

Because

2011-05-08T06:32:00.001-07:00

May is the month when love flourishes and everything seems to be a fairytale but this year is a different story.

I thought I have moved on from last year and I have but some things are not as easy as just letting go. It needs space, great time and some people are not yet ready to let go, and it is difficult to be happy knowing that someone still wants to talk to me about things.

I think last summer was one of the summers that I just want to forget and to let go. Everything that happened was a mistake and I have learned something from it. Something was wrong between him and me and I have realized that he is not the one that I have been looking for.

I want to rant about it and I hope it will be fine to talk about my life here. J

He thought it would be best to keep our deep friendship within ourselves and not tell other people about it but that is not what I am looking for. I want someone who will be proud of our relationship and not hide it from everyone.

Everything started to change until I found out that things could have been better before if only we tried hard, but we did not.

I guess it is time to move on and open our doors to other possibilities like looking for someone better for each of us. Honestly, I have. I have met different people some of them like you, some are better and I am happy about that. I hope you will feel the need to do so too. We are young, vibrant, and courageous, I am sure something better will happen, if we take different paths.

I am ready to fall in love again. I just hope that both parties will find great love, the love that each of us want and desire. I do not want to hold back my feelings for someone just because you are always there criticizing the man that I am starting to love.

Just wanna share this piece to everyone. I think it says everything. J

One day, he's going to text you. That day, you're going to realize he means nothing to you. He's just another guy. Just another guy, you wasted your time on, tried to look good for, and tried to impress. He's just another bad memory. You're going to remember how much you like him, and miss him, but at the same time how much you hate him. Instead of getting all excited over this one message, that can mean the world to you, but nothing to him, just click erase and move on with your life. He's not worth it.

Love lots,

Sheena

Two Kids in a Bungalow

2011-05-02T17:37:00.001-07:00

Everything about my future seems vague, each day my plans are changing and the people I expect to be in the future are slowly moving away from my present life but there are things that I do not want to change just like having kids and getting married with the right man at the right time.

When I was in high school, Tiks and I often talk about our future. I always tell her I want to have kids and I want to live in a simple house with all the things that I need and probably want. I want to have two kids, a son first then a daughter. I want to be there for them in every step of the way and I want to guide them in every decision that they make. I would not want to boss them around but I will make sure they will not be brats who will just ignore the values instilled in their minds. I have many things on my mind but eventually, I will wait for that one man who will share the responsibility of upbringing children.

I was talking to one of my cousins one night when I told him about my plan. I want be married at the right time and raise kids properly but before getting married, I want to enjoy my single life and live life independently. I want to tour around the world and probably live somewhere else independently. I really want to be independent but somehow, I just could not. There are things that kept me from being on my own. Do not get me wrong but I really love my family, it is just that I do not want to rely on them forever. I know I have to start learning things on my own and it sucks not to be able to do so.

These are just random thoughts that I hope will soon be fulfilled. I love my life but there is something that tickles me to go out and start things on my own minus the judging eyes of the people around me. J

Love lots,

Sheena

Rant 001

2011-05-02T17:36:00.001-07:00

Notice: I am feeling the most random feeling right now, so this post might be full of blah blah blahs but this post came straight from my heart. J

I have been through life's different random moments. I think I have fallen in love, fallen out of love, depressed, humiliated, embarrassed, happy, and lonely and most of all loved. I know I am loved. I am loved by the people around me who never fail to support me all throughout. I made different mistakes and I failed probably more than what other people thought but I never felt different and unloved.

The people around me are supportive and caring that it makes me wonder if whether I deserve this love or not. Each of us perform different functions in someone's life, I do not know what mine is to other people but at some point, I have already created a picture of who am I in someone's life. I am a savior, a friend, an enemy, a mask, a daughter, a student, a classmate, a former lover, a worshipper, a BLOCKER, a lover and most importantly, I am I.

I may show different characters around people but eventually, people realize that I am whom they see in different angles. I mean to be a reader all the time bores some people so I try to learn bits of everything. It may sometimes mean being the jack-of-all-trades but it does not really mean I am a master of nothing.

Of the many angles that I have shown, I have met many people. These people are those that I call my friends. I have different sets of friends. Some are those that I met way back while some are new acquaintances but these people speak and define who I am. They amuse me because each of them thought I am different. Different would mean very different but it takes many experiences to be able to say who I really am. Whether I was with them during late night dinners, wakes, worship night, movie night, random eating session, car washing and even simple chitchats… these things already created an image, of which I am, me being the person who would borrow coins and who would constantly rant about anything under the sun. I do not know if what is it with me but I get an impression that my thoughts are scattered inside my head that it keeps me from speaking what I really want to say. Nevertheless, eventually, things come out of my mind and I will be able to speak for myself.

Right now, I am feeling random that it makes me think about anything. My friends, my best friends, my future, my former acquaintances, and anyone whom I have met in this journey, I am wondering of their purpose and of my purpose in my life. I am thinking of what happened in my life in the couple of months and years, I wander of their purpose. These things really scare me because I am scared of its effects in the future.

Fear is something that I have been feeling ever since but nothing is worth the risk of experiencing real freedom on my own and with this freedom comes the lessons that I have learned on my own. I just hope things will be better and eventually, I will make everyone around me proud.

Love lots,

Sheena

Haunts of the Past

2011-04-27T05:43:00.001-07:00

First love, first real crush, first love sacrifice, first story, first test of fate and first future holder, everything belongs to one special person who happens to have a part of who I am already. If it were not because of him, I would still probably be acting crazy whenever I am crushing someone. He has become the standard of all the other guys that I like.

I was in third grade when I met him, my feelings grew until it became what it is now. A feeling better kept inside my being, my heart knows how long it has been since I am feeling something for him and my mind knows how long I have been trying to forget him but things will never be the same. He is that one person who will always remain in my mind no matter what.

He is my first love and he probably still owns a great part of me since I am still writing this post.

We have not properly met since elementary graduation, not until last April 5. I invited him to our fiesta since we started to communicate again last March. I thought it would be awkward and weird but it was not. He changed a lot but I could still recognize the person that I originally like back then. I am not sure of what I feel but I'd like to think of it as a test of emotion. Probably it happened because it had to happen. We were randomly talking about my upcoming birthday when he inserted that he would like to be my 18^th rose, I ignored what he said but I just could not stop thinking about it after. Our worlds seem to be smaller and we seem to be hanging out with the same people.

Faith could be ironic sometimes. I was happy liking someone last March. We spent most of our time together. Then, unexpectedly, my first love came wondering about my whereabouts and it even reach to that point of him calling me. It is like a part of me, my mind probably, wanted to move on but at some point, I just could not because he is still there no matter what. He will always come out whenever I thought I already like someone else.

The past or the present, it is within my control but I am just becoming weak and crazy over my past that I never learned to move on. A lot of shallow emotions were felt during those years that we have not met but those never reach the deepest part that holds the emotions that I felt for him.

I am becoming hysterical and weird and I figured, I must move on and think about other things than him. J

I know what I gotta do, I just can't do it

The Art of Believing

2011-04-27T05:40:00.001-07:00

I have received countless gifts ever since and among those gifts there are those that I will forever cherish. I am only talking of material gifts here since talking of the abstract would change the concept of this post. I could remember most of the gifts that were given to me by my friends but the one that stood out would probably be the gifts that were given to me by my good friends. Letter, Edited pictures, compilation of pictures, the collage of pictures and a painting are those that I received just recently and I feel grateful with these gifts.

The painting would be a different story. I have been asking some of my friends to give me a painting and I was not that convincing so I did not receive any for Christmas but just before the semester ends, someone gave me a painting. The painting that makes me smile even if it was given for almost a month now. The painting allows me to believe that there is a little hope and somehow, there is a connection between the painter and me. It allows me to believe that somehow, there is hope and that at some point, it will be something that I have been hoping to have since the day I realized that I wanted the painter to be a good friend.

The painting is special. Not only because it is a painting and it is something that someone has worked hard for, it symbolizes different emotions and feelings. The painting may be similar to different things and every time I remember owning it, it allows me to hang on to something that I thought I would never have or experience.

Gifts are priceless when they are given by special and important people. I do not usually look at the price of the gift but instead think of the effort and thought that the giver extended to me and these gifts are always cherished in my heart. At some point, I have to admit that I became a material girl but soon though, I realized that owning something expensive does not really give you title to be something. I actually thought receiving something important would give someone a chance to prove that one deserves to have something.

Whether it is a material gift or a labor of love, I believe that one has to value the thought that the giver is extending and not the monetary value of that thing. Everyone deserves what they receive and we should not judge them because of what they own. Instead, we should respect them and accept the fact that all of us deserve different things.

Stop the jealousy. Enjoy life, instead and love!

-Sheena-

Great Thank You

2011-04-20T23:20:00.001-07:00

When times get tough, I always think of the wonderful things that God has given me and focus on those things. Things have changed when I realized that those tough memories are not actually tough but instead, lessons that one will gain after making decision that will make a person stronger and better. I'd like to think that those challenges are gifts to make an individual even special.

Last April 14, was my birthday and each birthday I have is a celebration of happiness and life. It was a day full of surprises and greetings and smiles and laughter. It was not how I imagined it to be but it was greater. I cannot write down all the names of the people who greeted me but I'd like to think of them as the people who were always there for me through thick and thin. My dear BLOCKERS, WIREDPEEPZ, KADBOL, UPFRIENDS, elementary and high school friends, my family, friends and everyone in my life who never fails to remember me on my special day.

Though it is kind of awkward to tell everyone my age I see no change on how I act and how I function as an individual. I am still who I am days before my birthday and I have no intention of changing because all I plan to do is enjoy my life and have fun. I should learn how to worry less and smile all the time. I intend to be positive in life and I hope to inspire other people. Choz!

Seriously, I just want everyone around me to be happy and to learn how to trust God always because I know that that is how it should be. The earth continues to revolve no matter what happens and I intend to continue living my life no matter what happened. Life is awesome if you think of it that way. J

-Sheena-

Moments to Share

2011-04-13T05:35:00.001-07:00

Experience 1:

He and I walking to get something somewhere.

Random Person: Hi! Bagay mong duha. Pag-uyab namo na!

(You look good together. Go! Have a relationship.)

Experience 2:

Me talking to some friends.

Me: Mo sleep talk ka? (Do you talk while sleeping?)

Friend: Ha? Dili man, pero si *toot* kay mo sleep talk. (No but *toot* will.)

Me: So? Did I ask about him?

Friend: Wala but I figured, you might want to know.

Experience 3:

Me with my friends.

Friend: Sheen, do you want to eat with us?

He approached me and I was smiling.

Friend: Ahh… Sheen, we are going. Bye! (With the look that kills.)

-----------------------------------------------------------

If only he feels the same way. If only I am strong. If only.

The experiences I shared is something that I have been keeping in my memory bank for a long time. It seemed like I this thing for the moments we had together that I will never forget those. Things that are better kept forgotten are the usual things that I remember. It sucks to think that it is only I who has been thinking about this and it seems like for him, these things are normal. Though I feel very biased with what other people think of us since I really like him, it seems like everyone wants us to be together but sometimes, it feels like it is not enough to be able to feel it. We have to do something and I am sure that blogging about my feelings is not a brave thing. It is as if I am a book on a shelf where the only people who will know me are those who are interested. Disappointingly, he is not one of the interested people. I know I am talking nonsense here but this is the only gateway of my thoughts since my mind is not completely certain about these emotions.

-Sheena-

P.S.: I miss my friends.

HIM

2011-04-13T05:34:00.001-07:00

Hann and Sheen Conversation:

Hann seeing Sheen's past crush.

Hann: Sheen, naka-move on na gyud ka niya noh? (Sheen, you've completely move on with him, right?)

Sheen: Yep. I'm over him.

Hann: Dali-a ra gud nawala. ( That was quick.)

Sheen: Napulihan naman gud mao na wala na. ( I already replaced him with someone, that's why.)

Hann: Kinsa man? Kadtong other guy? (Who? The other guy?)

Sheen: Yep. Basta wala na lge siya. ( Yes. But I'm sure, I'm completely over him.)

End of conversation.

Hann is my good friend and she seemed to have an idea of who I am when I like someone, she even knows whom I really like right now and it amazes me how she was able to contain my stupidity and childish actions when it comes to crush and love. Anyway, the conversation above was one of the talks that I will never forget. That conversation became the start of liking someone over again.

He is the person I like since the start of second semester; he is my classmate, my orgmate and my good friend. We became a bit closer this month and we share stories that most people would consider personal. However, for me, it is something that should be shared between two good friends. He also knows Hann and some of my high school and elementary friends making my feelings for him more complicated than what other think.

If you happen to be my orgmate, blockmate, and classmate and you are reading this. Please do not tell anyone because HE does not know.

I thought I was over HIM ever since he started to be distant and silent when we are both around. I already liked someone and that is what I thought. Not too long, the idea of falling in love with him crossed my mind but I did not pay too much attention because I am serious when I committed myself on waiting for the right one.

Then the beautiful and amazing month of March came. We started spending more time with each other, we started talking about random things, and I could not help but feel like I like him so much it hurts to realize that he may not be my prince. We plan things together and we do things together. We even get teasing glances and I could not help but smile at what other people think.

To be honest, I am scared of admitting that I am in love with him because I might be wrong. I am scared that I am misinterpreting his friendship with love and I do not want that to happen. He is important to me and I do not want to assume and be hurt in the end.

We do not communicate that much but whenever we need each other, he is always there for me and I am here for him too. Things may seem complicated but being over him last February did not really mean over him. There is still that part of me that wants to be with him always. For now, he is one of the people that I would like to keep and he is one of the people who inspire me to stay and to do great with studies and with life.

Whatever may happen, summer will end and when we will meet in June. He may already have his girl but no matter what, he will always be my good friend, my secret love. J

-Sheena-

Birthday Hype

2011-04-13T05:33:00.003-07:00

I have often stressed in my previous posts that I will soon be turning eighteen and that moment is coming really closer. Moreover, it seems like my parents and friends cannot help but be excited for that day. I cannot help but feel the same way too but somehow, somewhere in my mind, I am over-thinking that my youth days are over and it is time for me to act maturely but heck, since when did I start to act like a youth and stopped acting like my friends' mom?

Everyone around me seemed so excited for my day but I am anxious of the pressure of being eighteen and of acting maturely. I am scared that I might not live up to what my parents expect me to be. I feel like I am not yet ready but at some point, I would like to turn eighteen and be more independent. I want to get my voter's ID and pay my bills on my own. I seriously have a lot of things in mind but I think the most important thing now is to actually be able to be who I want to be and break free from all the chains that has been holding me for a long time.

I would like to inspire myself with doing what I really like and with what my heart is telling me to do.

I think my 18^th birthday does not really mean a big birthday bash but I would like it to be a beginning of something that I never thought I would want to have. The serendipity of being me and I hope to inspire people to be more them other than pretend to be someone they are not. Sometimes, it takes a lot of courage to make up your mind and stand up for yourself but soon though, that courage becomes an inspiration for other people. J

-Sheena-

P.S.: Age is just a number and if you feel old, that is because you are feeling it. Stop feeling it but rather be who you want to be. Bawal ang assuming sa mundo. J

Blissful March

2011-04-13T05:33:00.001-07:00

My long overdue March post. J

March was one of the best Months this year. Everything was unexpected and my planner seemed to be full of hearts and smiles. The month started great and it ended up in a calm way, things changed with April. When I will be asked if what happened last March, I will really be blabbing about random things that I experienced this month but I will keep things simple and cool this time since I will keep other topics for my future entries.

March is a month I dedicate for my best friend who happens to celebrate her Birthday on the 4^th and my friends and I surprised her on the afternoon of her birthday in her apartment and we had a good night out. I missed Wired but I have not skipped talking about doing good deeds and trusting the Creator with everything. The first week of March was actually focused on the surprise party thus I was not able to spend time thinking about any man or something else but school and her.

The next part of March is it being a Women's Month, my Gender class asked us to prepare a program dedicated to the women, and the whole process of the program was fun. Friendships started to develop and I believe that the whole presentation allowed students to develop and mature as individuals and as a group. I am proud of my classmates and everyone else involved in the show.

We have to expect the unexpected and allow random things to happen in our lives. I did not do anything but either way, it just happened. I enjoyed everything about March. This is considered as the hell month of school and somehow, this month allowed me to break free and to go beyond the usual routine. I was able to share different thoughts with more people and talk to them the way I normally communicate.

I learned many lessons and these lessons are properly kept not on my mind but in my heart. Everything is kept properly in my heart because it is that a place that no memories could be erased and forgotten.

I was exposed to different things and these things taught me the importance of having an open mind and proper understanding of the things that most people do not encounter in the daily life.

To end the post, I am writing random words that will be used in my future post and I hope you will be interested in reading my blog. J

Him. Painting. Peanut Kisses. Wired. Birthday. 3 idiots. Friends. Summer. Lessons. Parents. Love. Friendship. Priorities. Idealism. Family. Future. Past. Commercials. First love. Excitement. You. <3

Love lots,

Sheena J

Will be of Legal Age

2011-03-24T02:02:00.001-07:00

I would not be young forever but I will forever be feeling young. Not too long from now, I will be turning 18 and I cannot help but feel like I have missed a lot of teenage experiences since I often imprison myself with work, school and other responsibilities thus missing outings with friends is the norm, But I would like to do some of these things before turning 18. I really have no idea but writing things randomly would be awesome.

I want to spend more time with my cousins and play games with them even if those are silly and crazy. I would like to live a lazy week and not do anything except eat, bath and enjoy. I would like to sleep in my lola's house just like before and I would like to engage in different activities in our church without acting like an elder or something.

I have a feeling that this list won't be realized so, I think it would be better to learn responsible tasks other than doing youthful things. So, with the time duration that I have… I would like to learn how to cook decent food, learn how to play the guitar and learn how to speak my mom's native tongue, Chavacano!

This is just a short list but I know that with the temptations at home, this will be a difficult task.

When I turn 18, I promise to be more decent and ladylike thus, I will learn how to apply daily dose of beautification like, lip-gloss, powder, cologne and wear decent clothes. Right, most of the teenagers these days care so much of their beauty thus they fail to appreciate the natural blush and the natural color of the lips and I am proud to say that I was able to appreciate these things while growing up. And as I move on to the next chapter of my life, I guess it will be better to upgrade myself into a higher level. Needless to say, even if I will be beautifying myself… I will still make sure that I could keep and improve the real beauty that is: the beauty within. I still believe that attitude captures the heart and not the face. J

-Sheena-

P.S.: If you want to get to know someone who is beautiful inside out, I suggest you visit "divinemlee.tumblr.com" she is awesome and witty. J

Rant: Reality and Expectations

2011-03-24T01:55:00.001-07:00

Unexpected things happened while a lot of expected things did not happen. The words reality and expectations are miles apart; these words signify the meaning of life. Sometimes, it is not as great as how we wanted it to be yet the element of surprise is there. Life is what we make it yet there is that choice if what do we want to focus on: whether we will focus on the disappointment that one feels because nobody said hi or focus on the unexpected people who smiled while walking along the hallway. Life is great when we decide it will be.

Expecting is a verb that I'm avoiding to do right now. I do not want to expect something since I am scared of being disappointed. But you see I was talking to my mom and she was like: 'I have a feeling that you do not want to go home anymore. Maybe you have someone there already.' I cannot help but laugh at my mom since she's talking of the impossible. She does not believe me when I say I do not have a boyfriend. Seriously, in my busy schedule, why would I even dare to engage with someone? I do not even have time to comb my hair or beautify myself how much more have a boyfriend.

My mom's questions about boyfriend are forcing me to think of him. I mean, when someone talks to you about love, you can't help but think of that someone you are always with, right? And I can't help but assume that there is something because we often go together but of course I am sure there is none. My stupid self is thinking of the impossibilities again and I hate it.

Reality is showing me that there is no us yet expectation is telling me that there is and sometimes, I become foolish enough to believe that there is. I know that I do not make sense here but I just want to express my confusion and stupidity since I have been hiding this feeling for a long time already.

I hope this feeling will be gone soon. With the breaks, I will have a lot of time to be with my family and I hope I will not think of him anymore. I hate it when I think of him because I feel like a dumb high school girl again who tries to make something out of little things. This should not be me and I should not be acting this way. L

-Sheena-

P.S.: I know a reader or two knows me personally, if ever we will meet somewhere… please do not force me to talk about this guy because he is famous in our lives that you will really tease me when you'll know who he is.

P.P.S.: I do know that I do not make sense and I am talking nonsense.., :P

Perfect but not Right

2011-03-22T06:02:00.001-07:00

I remember when I was in first year high school; I admire this guy who seemed to be everything I have wanted my partner to be. He plays the guitar, a good leader, witty, friendly, kind and good-looking. I was fascinated by everything about him; I and my friends would refer to him a Mr. Perfect. Soon though, my admiration vanished after realizing that he can never be mine. That was the first time I considered someone as the perfect one but now that I am in the bigger world, I have encountered a lot of Mr. Perfect. In fact, almost every guy in my life now is Mr. Perfect in his own way. I have learned to value these guys since they signify the real meaning of "gentleman" and "chivalry." But of course, among these men there are those who stand out.

I prefer to call them Mr. Perfect since they show my idea of PERFECT in a lighter sense. By lighter sense, I mean there personalities as what others think of them but those descriptions are merely descriptions. They do not really come from the people who know Mr. Perfect well.

As of now, Mr. Perfect could be seen anywhere in my situation. I see Mr. Perfect while on my way to my next class or even when I'm just sitting there and engaging with my friends. I do not really know how it happened or why it happened but it seemed like everyone around me has something to be proud of. Before, I used to believe that Mr. Perfect is difficult to find but now, it seemed like every man in this place is perfect in his own way.

I guess the real most difficult to find is Mr. Right. He is the person who could sweep me off of my feet or who could make me laugh even when I have the worst day. I was once asked what kind of man do I want to be with, I usually have a ready answer for that… I want a man who knows how to play different musical instruments, I want a God-fearing man, he should be taller than me, he should know how to cook, he should know how to speak English well, he should be intelligent and the list goes on and on but I have thought of these things a while and it seemed like I am not looking for an ideal man but rather for someone who could compete for a contest that entails everything that a man could do. I realized that I should look for someone who is willing to stay with me through thick and thin and someone who understands my abnormal human behavior, someone who accepts my mistakes and someone who will not cut my deep connection with God. I mean, I'd rather have that someone who knows nothing about Chivalry yet he bridges any gap I have with God than be with the perfect gentleman yet he does not know the greatness of God.

I am still in search of Mr. Right, he may be just around the corner but it takes a lot of realization and discernment to know his existence. What cause me to write this post, you may ask? Well, I have a feeling that Mr. Right is just there, somewhere… We are just waiting for the right time. To quote somebody famous, "the right man at the wrong time is still wrong" this line shows how difficult it is to take risk and probably end up nothing. I believe that it is better to keep relationships as it is now. No commitment, just love and friendship then everything will be awesome!

Let us just cross the bridge when we get there. Let's just continue to appreciate and get use to the existence of different Mr. Perfect.

-Sheena-

The Happiness of a Broken Heart

2011-03-22T06:01:00.001-07:00

Life gets tough and as it gets tougher, it gets even worst when someone that's been holding you for so long would learn to let go. Yes, I'm talking about break-ups and broken hearts. Sometimes, life really tends to give you the worst of everything at the same time. A bomb will be dropped at one point in life and boom! Everything is scattered and turning upside-down. Things may have been placed on different places; some do not mind these things as long as they are with the person that they love. I say, this is not what I think is great.

I prefer having a broken heart when I'm pressured. It feels good to work and to be able to realize that I have made a lot of people happy with what I am doing. Who cares about heart, I do not even love to have it pampered because I know sooner or later it will be dumped again. It is better to leave it unattended until I will find that someone who will permanently be the reason of its greater happiness.

For now, I am happy with how I am functioning. Sometimes, I am even longing for a more painful heart break so that I will be more inspired to do great in the different aspect of life. I mean, I may not be great in being a good lover at least I do best with other things such as school and friends.

It is always good to look at the brighter side; it is not good to stay at one corner because you were rejected by a lover. It is good to be out there and tell him that you are not affected by anything. It will kill him and probably it will be the reason why he will want to have you back again. Sometimes, it takes courage to let people realize that you are better than what they thought you are.

Being able to write something like this does not really involve having a broken heart. Heck, I do not even know the situation of my heart right now. I feel contented being with my friends that being into a relationship does not really make sense for me. Of course, if Mr. Right comes along I would not ignore him but you see… let's just cross the bridge when we get there.

No plans or anything, just love, gratefulness and faith. Those are all the things that will make us survive in whatever it is that we have been facing or we will be facing. Life is uncertain but it won't be that complicated when we have the faith and courage to surrender everything to our creator and allow him to manage your life. J

-Sheena-

The Gift of Friendship

2011-03-12T20:51:00.001-08:00

Oftentimes, we pray for the right person to come and we often hope that he is the person that we thought he is. Then the stage of heartache enters, everything changes when the person became he promised not to be. The same cycle happens and it's just so amazing that people never get tired of trying and experiencing the so called "love."

Today, I was blessed to experience love in a different level. I experienced love with the person I used to think as the one for me.

He is my good friend and though there are times that I wish for him to be the one, it just never happened. This reminds me of the quote written in my planner that says: "Maybe the reason why you have to stop loving a person is because fate chose both of you to be friends where forever is possible." This quote explains what I feel today. If before, I used to wonder why he never look at me the way I wanted him to and show care to me in a different level, everything became clear now. It feels good to be his friend, we hold each other's hands without malice and he even put his arms around my shoulders without the awkward feeling. I tell him things like my crush and my flop moments and it feels good to open up to him. I laugh the way I do whenever I am with my girl friends and with the stares that other people gave to us, I do not feel guilty or anything since my intention for him is now real friendship.

It may seem unbelievable but he is like an elder brother to me and it feels amazing and awesome. I have often wished of an elder brother and though my prayers are always answered since someone pops up to show concern and love, he is a different one. There is this connection that says we are family and it is okay to act stupid in front of each other since we are accepting each other's imperfection.

He was one of my crushes but now, my feelings for him grew into a new level. I feel like he is family and he reminds me of the things that I failed to remember when I started living alone. If others may view the expiration of their like for someone as the end, mine is different. I am over crushing him because he is now my elder brother. I am willing to share to him all my stupidity and insecurities since I think he is the one person I would like to have as an extended family here in the big city. J

-Sheena-

P.S.: You should all meet him soon. He is awesome.

Rise of Others

2011-03-07T06:02:00.001-08:00

I was busy stalking someone in Facebook when I received a message from my cousin asking me to listen to a particular song. I was not in the mood to listen to a new song at that time but I listened to it anyway. It was in Chavacano, I was mesmerized by the music and the voices of the singers that I failed to understand the meaning of the song. My mom is from Zamboanga so she speaks Chavacano, I understand bits of Chavacano but never have the guts try to speak it. I didn't feel that it is a necessity to do so since I seldom go to Zamboanga and besides, my relatives know how to speak Tagalog but after listening to the song, I felt like I want to learn the language right then and there.

I was never the type of person who cared about the language that a person is speaking since I am using English most of the time but today, it felt like it is necessary for me to learn the language and speak it fluently. I may not be exposed to my maternal relatives that much but I know that they want me to learn something that they know. Aside from the looks and the physical characteristics, we have nothing else in common since I don't know how to cook good food and bake cakes just like they do. But little by little, I really want to learn these things so that I will be closer to them and we will be making family bonds that we will be passing on to the next generation.

I remembered telling my mom that Filipino music these days do not make sense (in my opinion) but after listening to the Chavacano song, I felt great and proud that my mom's family is residing in Zamboanga and even in the world of parties, noise, crimes, hatred and vices there are still those few musicians who strive hard to rise up and spread good and meaningful music.

I really think now is the best time to discover new talents and explore other places that may have great and talented people waiting to be discovered. Let's stop adopting music from different countries instead, create our own identity and spread the great and original Filipino music all over the world.

-Sheena-

P.S.: Maybe you would like to listen to the song, it is entitled "Porque" by Maldita. You might want to try to listen to "Etu Lang" by Mirage Zamboanga. J

Go! And Spread the word.

She Is Special

2011-03-03T18:55:00.001-08:00

When everyone else is curious about my feelings, you left me alone and allowed me to face things on my own. You were never one of those people who asked me what's wrong; there is no point in asking since you know I would never speak when I don't want to. You are one of the people who understands me and who gives me space after an appalling experience. We both believe that it is not always right to strike while the iron is hot and confrontations don't really fix things. When you know that I am doing something wrong, you were never scared of telling me the truth.

I don't know if what it is but I never have the guts to let go of you since you are one of the amazing people in my life. If there is that one thing that I am certain right now, that is I am not willing to let go of our friendship since it is one of the special relationships that I would like to keep and share with the people that I will meet in the future since obviously, everyone around me knows how special you are to me.

I know I am getting mushy and cheesy but please allow me to do this just now. I seldom feel this emotion so I might as well take advantage of this moment. You are turning a year older but it does not change anything.

You are still that one person that I would like to be with as soon as life exists. You introduced me to the world unfamiliar to mine, we might be different in a lot of ways but these differences taught me things that I haven't learned yet.

I am so happy to still be your friend despite the misunderstandings and conflicts. You are amazing in your own way and you color my life with a shade that expresses happiness and friendship that cannot be tainted by anything.

My life has always been amazing but it became even great when you came. Thank you for being a great friend and thanks for the amazing moments.

Love Lots,

Shweedie

February was…

2011-03-01T07:23:00.001-08:00

a beautiful, painful, struggling, loving and blessed month. It is amazing how fast time flies. I could still remember writing everything that I have to do in my to-do-list and finish everything that I have procrastinated. February became full of hope, sadness and happiness. Know how many new people I met this month and you will be amazed by the exact numbers. I have liked and disliked someone, I have sought the approval of other people then later realized its insignificance so I have to move on and continue living my life. I have had different mood swings and uncertainties but nevertheless, the month ended with me still kicking and smiling.

I made bad decisions and learned something out from it. I realized the value of my family more and on the weirder side, I became bigger (according to everyone in the family.) I haven't gone home became in a while yet weekends never seemed lonely and boring because of the different activities I had during the weekend. I doubted people then later erased all my doubts and trust them and later on realized they deserve my trust. February is synonymous to amazing and unpredictable. Things come and go; mistakes happen but it does not matter. I learn from those mistakes.

The most spectacular thing that happened this month is I became closer to God and I am starting to fall in love with him even more. I sin and I know that he will forgive me if I repent and learn how to trust him. Now, February is love. I learn to love God first among everything and wait for the right time that my prince will come. He will come at the perfect time, I have to wait and wait happily. J

-Sheena-

Attention Grabber

2011-02-20T09:59:00.001-08:00

I do not want to mess around and talk loudly just to grab the attention of someone but seriously, I can't stop myself from acting overly or obviously when my crush is around. Now that things have changed and my perception of every situation is different, I'd like to believe that I become a better person. I suddenly became meek and silent when my crushes are around and I do not even want to look at them. Sometimes, I even wish I haven't seen or met them because I don't want to mess around and get frustrated with heartaches and pains.

Something happened to me within the past few weeks and I feel like I do not deserve to have someone as unsure as crushes and the likes. I became serious when it comes to relationship and I think I deserve more than what I want to happen in my life. I do not want to waste around something that is unsure and vague. Sometimes, I wish for someone to be that one man that I want to spend the rest of my life with but then, I realized that it is not enough to wish. I have to work hard in order to deserve something beautiful and amazing.

Then, something happened to me today. I met my former crush, I thought I was over him since I've been telling my friends that I am. He is way older than me but he looks so gorgeous and amazing. One day, I just figured I should get over him and move on. I function better in school that way but moving on from this admiration is not that easy. He is witty, bright, amazing, faithful, honest, and God-fearing and most of all: imperfect. His little imperfections make him real and I like the way he handles himself. I figured that he is the one but not until I realized that I am just one of those women who admire him and probably a no one perhaps. Then today, I sat at the back of my crush and then he turned his back and then he smiled at me. I was happy but I felt kind of weird since it did not stay in my mind for a long time.

I do not want too much attention that I take time to stay at one corner and just keep quiet. I do not even know why but I am acting differently, I am not that giddy girl who used to want the attention of her crush. I just want that someone to smile that is all. It is better that way and I would like to think that soon enough, those smiles will just be one of those smiles that will make me happy and act normally.

Soon enough, I will be stiffer and wiser. I will no longer fall for some bait or whatever it is that I should fall for. I do not want to assume and expect. Soon, I will be able to learn how to control my emotions even more that no one would notice who I like or something.

Life is already amazing when I am surrounded by my loving friends and amazing family. Things will happen in God's time. I just have to wait and work hard for that time to be perfect and beautiful. J

-Sheena-

P.S.: I guess I'm not yet over him. L

To The One

2011-02-11T20:11:00.003-08:00

To The Man I Will Spend Forever With,

It has been a long time that I started wondering if whether you exist or not. I often mistaken you as someone else then I ended up with the wrong person and hurt, then I thought you were that person who told me that he loved me but you were not. Those men in my past ended up hurting me and those painful memories tore me apart. You became nothing but a part of my future. I started looking and guessing at different men hoping that I will be able to confide with you during those times when I thought everyone has turned their backs on me. I started to get devastated when I realized that you were nowhere to be found.

During those sad days, I could not help but ask God to send me to you directly. I was anxious to feel your presence and to be with you until forever, and then I realized that it is not supposed to be that way. I do not want you to be my knight and shining armor neither do I want you to be the guy who makes me laugh all the time. I just want you to be there and to teach me how to stand on my own and to fight for myself. I seriously do not believe that you should take care of me, I just thought it would be nice that we will be taking care of each other, I do not want a one sided relationship neither a patriarchal family. I still want us to be distinguished as individuals bound together to complete whatever it is that one needs; a give and take relationship, and of course a happily ever after.

In order for me to have you, I know I still have to pass through different challenges and obstacles. I still have to prove my worth and I am willing to help. I will wait for that perfect time that God will give me to you and you to me. Time is never a problem because there will always be a perfect time for everything. I know you will be worth the wait. I do not want you to hurry either coz you might fail to appreciate the lessons that life is offering. I want you to take your time and be happy with your life and learn as much lessons as you have so that we will be able to use those in the future together.

I want you to have the best of me and I am willing to sacrifice and I am willing to hang around until the time that we will both realize that we have finally found each other. Do not worry about me, I am a strong girl, I am trying to be a strong girl for myself and for the both of us. We will pass through everything and soon enough, we will be able to hold each others hands freely and happily and we will get married at the right time.

Meanwhile, just hang on there and let's chill out and relax. Our love story will soon happen.

Love,

The Girl Who Is Willing To Wait J

P.S.: True Love Waits

To The Future

2011-02-11T20:11:00.001-08:00

I have felt different emotions in my life but it is weird to actually realize that whenever I will be asked if what is the happiest or the saddest event in my life, I fail to recognize what it is actually. I do not mind this at all since I have experienced a lot and it would be difficult to remember different memories but sometimes, I recognize an emotion that I have always felt ever since the day I fall in love. I do not want to entertain this emotion but somehow, it paved its way to the top and I did not know how to control this emotion before.

I was longing for someone who will be my constant companion. I was longing for someone I could be with whenever everyone else has there own business to attend. I used to want to have someone I could talk my problems to and I could ask for advice. I want to meet my other half and he is what I have been longing for since the day I thought of the happiness one feels whenever they are with their partner. I used to want to feel that I am loved and I have someone.

Things have changed when I got the chance to dig deeper into the meaning of life. Many thoughts have captured my mind that when I feel lonely, I do not think of my companion but of my work. Ones in my life, work became the center of my attention, school projects and other responsibilities that allowed me to kill the time and allowed me to watch it pass. That way did not last a long time since I realized that this is not right. I used to believe that work or someone else should be the reason why my time passes by faster. It should go on even without a work or someone; I should learn how to be independent and happy by myself.

Then I turn to the other side of the road, the road less taken by everyone, a road that allows suffering but never sadness. It was not too long since I started to be happy by myself and be contented with what I have. At that time, all I want is to live a different lifestyle and to organize my life for the better. The longing I felt before was replaced with a different kind of contentment that allowed me to realize that I have more than what I need and deserve. Then I realized what I have to do, I have to wait and be happy waiting.

Soon, my prince will come at the right time. He does not have to hurry because everything is well taken cared of. Someone is writing my beautiful love story and this will happen in real life when I learn how to balance and to keep everything at its place. The future doesn't have to happen directly, it should happen surprisingly and properly.

Let yours occur the same way too. J

-Sheena-

The Note

2011-02-10T02:46:00.001-08:00

The Philippines is under fire as the citizens try to face what was supposed to be hidden in the eyes of the common people. The ones powerful people are now caught off guard with the new administration and they have been facing numerous issues involving graft and corruption. Though I am an ordinary citizen and perhaps only a small dot in the Philippines, I am aware of what is going on around my country and most of these whereabouts involve corruption and anomalies in the government. I have accepted the fact that corruption is already a part of my country's history since our society started the wrong way. We became who we are now because of the Spaniards who colonized us and introduced us to the ordeal and extraordinary events that occurred in our country's history. This alone tackled our history and those events have a connection in the present times. I believe that history is not just an account of what happened before but also the root of what is going on in our nation.

The news that struck me the most is all about the apparent suicide of Angelo Reyes. He played a vital role in the governance of former President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and he seemed to be one of the most trusted people in the time of Arroyo. It should not matter now since Arroyo stepped down already but because of the investigations done by the present administration, his name is once again mentioned. I have no right to comment on this issue since I have not been very keen in following the investigation. All I know is that his name is mentioned and at some point or another, his family was also involved in the issue. I say this is too much and though I cannot judge Reyes as to what he did in the past, I sincerely hope there will be more people who will be like him. Though he died of suicide, at least I could say that he died because of guilt and with that I salute him. Reyes may not be a perfect official not even an ideal person but at least he gave up his self probably because he cannot take what he has done and he just want to end it that way. But no, I am not here to talk about whether he is guilty or now. I am here to talk about his personal life as a husband and father and probably even as a normal citizen.

I recently read and article in the Philippine Daily Inquirer about the occurrence before Reyes committed suicide. He was leaving a message to his wife about taking care of herself and their two unmarried sons. He told them to pray and for me, that is enough to say that he might not be a perfect person but at least he is trying his best to be a good husband and father.

No matter what kind of life a person is living, there will always be a time in his life that he will realize the value of family and I believe that that is something that one should possess. Or probably not, because I would like to believe that a person's priority is always his family no matter what. Sure, one may possess hate and anger to a family member but I would like to believe that it will not stay long. I am sure those politicians out there who are involved in different cases, they only have one fear. Not the end of their own lives but the death of their loved ones and they would readily give up their own selves just to protect the lives of their family.

In a chaotic and sinful society, I can't stop myself from thinking of the bad things that could possibly happen around but there is always that part of my heart that would like to believe that goodness still prevails in our country and even in the whole world. I would like to believe in optimistic views despite the negativism that most people are showing.

Let us all extend our love to each other and avoid hating our fellow countrymen.

-Sheena-

P.S.: Sorry if I tackle too many topics in this post. I jump from one subject to another. J

One Life Sacrificed For Everyone

2011-02-10T02:45:00.001-08:00

I was not the super religious type of person who mentions God's greatness every time, I was just a person who goes to church every Sunday to hear mass and pray with my family and sometimes pray randomly. I never thought I will reach the point where God is the center of my life and he will be the reason of my happiness. If there is that one thing I am scared of in the religious aspect is when I get encouraged to change my Religion and view. I know that my religion is not the perfect one but I just do not want to risk what I have to something that I have never thought of doing.

I studied in a Catholic school when I was in elementary and I often serve during the mass but it did not give me the kind of fulfillment that other people have when they serve in the church. I figured it to be something like presenting other than giving back to the Creator what he gave to me. In high school, I studied in a non-Sectarian school but it was just like I was in elementary. I serve during the mass and read the bible to the public.

Now that I am in college, it is a different story. I got exposed to the other religious views and I find it fascinating how people amazingly believe in the power of God and prayer. Their faith is strong that they can do almost everything by just thinking that God is with them. I have faith in God but theirs is too strong. In everything they do, they always mention God's name and I am left running out of words and actions. This exposure allowed me to be closer to God and to actually believe in His power more. I learned how to appreciate what I have and learn to accept the things that I cannot have. Ever since I started to frequently hear the word of God, I slowly realized that there was never a time in my life that I was alone. I am so blessed with a very supportive family and amazing friends. I have everything that I need and that's what matters.

I am special and so are you. I do not know about my future and I certainly do not know what could possibly happen to me. I never even thought I would be thinking of this but I actually like my situation now. I allow God's word to nurture my mind and heart to make me realize that whenever I thought everyone has turned their back on me, I have my God who will always be my constant companion. Everyone may leave me but not my God for He loves me no matter what. I cannot brag about my love for him but certainly I can brag about his love for me.

I feel like a completely different person now trying to figure out how the transformation happened. I am still overwhelmed by what I am hearing from the bible. J

-Sheena-

The Shy Smiling Girl

2011-02-06T06:44:00.001-08:00

Wow. It is amazing how people describe me as a shy type of person since I am usually outgoing and talkative in a group except if I am eyeing someone in the crowd.

Okay. Stop. Move On.

Last Saturday morning, I woke up really early like 8:30 am (yes, that's early for a Saturday morning) to grant the request of my friends to go with them at a certain gathering. I was feeling sleepy and tired to get up and all I want to do is to cuddle on my bed but I figured out, I might as well try to explore the life here in the big city that I did not really mean to explore. The only reason I am here is to study and that's all I thought. Admiring someone was not part of the plan but when things get caught up and when you are in the middle of a situation, all you have to do is go with the flow and live life to the fullest. Let me fully narrate to you a story of my life.

I was feeling nervous on my way to the place of the gathering since it will be my first time to go there. I was armed with nothing but myself and my confidence which I hoped was enough for that event. Then the unexpected twist came. My friend was actually famous on that place so I was introduced to numerous people. I was on level one yet so I contented myself with talking to my companions and sharing stories about my scholastic problems aka Comm2 papers.

The activity started and it was a bang, both bang in my heart and mind. We played a game named "FIRST IMPRESSION." I thought it will be just like any other game so I chose to participate and go with the flow. The first part of the game was to look for someone I just met and share each other's first impression. Since I was introduced to numerous people, I have the tendency to forget their names still so I went on looking for a familiar face that I hoped I still remember. Her name is Pebbles and she's a jolly girl who smiles a lot. We were in the middle of talking and discussing when this cute guy came and asked for my name. Yes! He asked for my name, isn't it amazing? Hahaha… funny as it may seem but his aura is different and I feel like I want to befriend him right then and there and be close to him. So I told him my name trying to keep my voice on a normal tone and hoping that he won't feel that I am nervous or something. Then he asked me if ever I could tell him my first impression towards him, I was trying to act normally and I was looking for good words inside my head then suddenly the word kind popped out. Pebbles was trying to tell me to say handsome but of course, even if I want to tell him that I simply couldn't because I don't want to embarrass myself. I told him he looks kind so he agreed with it and told me his first impression towards me; he told me he thought I am SHY. What a word to define myself! SHY. I can't help but just smile at what he said and seriously hope that he does not feel that I am trying to put a barrier between us. HUWAW! If only he knew that I am one of the many people who have the different level of confidence but seriously, most people thought I am a shy type and I don't even know why they were able to say that. The morning went on with more sights of him but we didn't have any other moments aside from it since we were both busy doing our thing. J

Hours Passed. I was on my way to the coronation night of Ms. UP Cebu 2011 and I was riding on a jeepney with my friends when we passed by THE PLACE. I was not expecting anything but seriously, I felt like heaven made a way for me to see HIM again. Yes. HIM. He was there outside the entrance of the place talking to a guy and I can't help but think of things that I usually think when I have a crush at someone like imagining that he also likes me and all those girly stuff that I don't think guys would think of. Waah. Anyway, that's it for my out-of-nowhere feeling of happiness towards someone.

That's it for my story since I will be back stalking him on facebook. Hahaha… J

-Sheena-

A Love Month

2011-02-06T05:10:00.001-08:00

Sorry for I have not updated my blog for a long time. I have been trying to write random things but seriously, I cannot concentrate writing since I am busy with paper works and my words will be consumed by the different papers our teachers asked us to write. Anyway, I have set aside a time to write and tell you that I am struggling yet happy with what I am experiencing right now. Nevertheless, I have not reached the point that I am forsaken and I cannot work at all. Somehow God gives me different problems with answers and he never fails to make me see the light during the darkest nights of my student life. Believe me when I say everything academic in my university is hell but the rest is a beautiful paradise.

The people are awesome and I love the feeling that they seem not to care about what you are doing on that corner yet they involve themselves when it comes to friendship and problems because we are family here. If before I was the leader and the elder sister of the group, I feel like everyone around me are leaders and elder sisters since they manage to make everyone feel that help always come. I think it is part of being family that matters most here in my school. My family is in the province and I have no one to run to except for my friends but I never felt so alone in my college life since I always land on someone's shoulder. I did not imagine before that some random person will help me in dealing with the school authorities and in asking for their signature and assistance. A friend of a friend will directly offer her hand to me whenever I need help. I just feel so blessed with the people around me and I have never been this thankful.

Blessings, people, help, school, family, and friends those are just some of the best things that I am dealing with right now. Forget about the papers and deadlines, I am happy with my life dealing with the problems one step at a time. I do not have to hurry because I know God is there to help me and he will be there to be my companion. Speaking of companion, Valentine's Day is almost approaching and today I am declaring that I will be alone on that day probably dealing with some papers and notes but nevertheless I already have my own share of Valentine's Day last Saturday. (Next Entry)

So many amazing things have already happened this year and I am hoping that more blessings and miracles will happen soon. It won't hurt to hope as long as I have the desire to do everything to have it done. I love life no matter how cruel it is sometimes. J

-Sheena

I Would Like To Think

2011-01-25T01:36:00.001-08:00

… that I haven't found him yet. I would like to take it that way. Honestly, I have given my heart too much problems that I become so crazy over simple things like treats and smiles and even stolen glances. Probably because of what I have been through that it allowed me to think about things and about what is really going on around. I became realistic rather than idealistic and I began to slowly realize that the emotions I showed in this blog about love and crushes are merely feelings of admiration towards someone of the opposite sex. I do not want to take it seriously now because I know if I take them seriously, I would end up hurt. Most if not all of the guys I mentioned here are either taken or is in love with someone else and I do not want to end up being the loser who begs for someone to love her. I know I deserve someone better and I am not ready to give up everything yet just for this childish feeling.

I want to have a beautiful love story like those I read in books and fairy tales. I know something good is in stored for and I know that it will come at the right time. I do not have hurry things because if I do, I will probably end up getting hurt. My heart is expensive to be broken by someone who is not even worth any of my emotions, not even anger.

So for now, I would like to erase all those emotions I felt for every guy that I thought I love. I cannot just simply erase my emotions but at least I will be distant with what I feel considering the hurt that I thought I have been through. Yesterday, I was reading a fictional love story and though it is fictional, I know it could happen in reality. It may not be in the same package as the hero in the book but at least i get to build my own reality that involves real people. For now, I am happy with this single and carefree heart.

If ever I have met the guy that I will end up being with, I do not care as long as I will realize it at the right time and of course, with the right person. I love the guys around me but I know it is a different kind of love. More like elder brother love or younger brother love. Everyone seemed so happy that way and I am too.

I hope life will surprise me with more love from elder brothers and younger brothers since I do not need attachment and involvement with someone. I just want the love of family and friends because for me, those love matters most this time. J

-Sheena-

Tomorrow is another Day

2011-01-25T01:35:00.001-08:00

When everything in the world seemed to be throwing stones at me, I stand there and stare at everything. My mind is blank with what is going on and all I ever want is to leave this world and ask death to borrow me on that point. This time, I could really say that I have been through a lot, literally. I tried lying, I've been lied too. I've been betrayed, and figuratively killed. As I look back at how my life has been since the day I have the senses and the knowledge of what is going on around, I could not remember anything that I could say I was really hurt so much that I was not able to recover. I was the type of person who easily forgets and who does not really mind the things around. I easily take for granted the painful moments and patch them with happy moments with everyone around.

Death is the reality in this world and I think it is not something to be afraid of but rather an achievement that at we have already achieved the fullness of life. (Wow. I don't even know why I mentioned this here.) Dropping that subject, today is not really a great day for me. Probably, last week offered too much joy and happiness that I was not able to grasp it yet and this week started a little bit rough. Rough in the sense that I was not able to handle it and that I want to just evaporate for a while. Probably I am just over reacting on things and over expecting.

I am not someone in someone's life so I should not expect him to be too kind to me and too respectful or something. Damn. I feel so stupid expecting this guy to be the one who will sweep me off of my feet. Woah. I should really move on and find someone better. And to think, he is just my crush. No strings attach. PERIOD.

Okay, so today did not go well but I do not think it will be the same in the coming days because I am determined to have a better life. I have to deal with a lot of problems but I should not forget that my parents are here; my friends are here and that I am still alive and that's what matters most, right? Life- the most precious gift one could ever have. I should learn to appreciate what life is giving me no matter what, happy or sad at least lessons are learned and hopefully, the next time I will not be stupid in committing those mistakes again.

I promise that tomorrow will be a better day. It should be. Life is awesome and I know that it will always be, it's just a matter of accepting the things that come. J

-Sheena-

Second Chance

2011-01-23T03:43:00.001-08:00

I believe that everyone deserves second chance but I also believe that second chance is just our last resort. If possible, we should do our best the first time but sometimes, we tend to be cowards and settle for less instead of doing it again. What if we have to? I mean, what if we got it the first try but there are conflicts that would force us to ignore the first try and give our last card up? Do you want to do it again and erase the results of the first one for the benefit of someone else? Are you that strong?

If you will ask me, I will have to say no. I do not want to try something again; I might just end up a loser and regret doing it for a second time. That is the answer of the selfish me but it sucks to know that I have been through a lot and I have learned my lesson, sometimes I just have to give it another shot and hope that things will be better.

Last night, I was playing puzzle on my phone and I realized the importance of taking risk. It is not just about setting and not giving the correct position up, sometimes we have to take the risk of rambling pieces once in a while to be able to get the correct one. Life is just like a puzzle, sometimes we have to undo things and hope that things will get well because eventually it will.

Wow. I am talking about I don't know here. This is the effect of the seminar I attended last Wednesday and it really helped me a lot. I try to look at things on different perspectives and even try to affect other people positively. The speakers spoke with enthusiasm and too much encouragement that whenever they say something, you will get it right away and they will be able to affect you in different ways. That was what they did to me. I often think that things will just pass and that I can do it. J

You too can say "this too shall pass" and you can give yourself some special code like "YCDI" which stands for "You can do it. "

-Sheena-

P.S.: Finally bought the bag and I will use it on Monday… waaah!

The Man I My Life

2011-01-21T03:13:00.001-08:00

The man who loves me with no bounds never fails to make me feel happy and contented. He stays there at one corner observing me and supporting me in everything I do. He is that one proud person who tells everyone that I am the girl he is proud of having. He wants nothing but the best for me and though it hurts him, he still makes sure that I am happy. I may have hurt him a couple of times, disappointed him a lot but he is still patient and forgiving. He always gives me another chance to make things right.

My dad is that one man I would love forever. I cannot imagine my life without him. I may sound so emotional and expressive but this is because today, I realized too much that I was able to understand what my parents are doing and why my dad is acting this way, protective. This is not a protection that hinders me from committing mistakes rather a protection that would care for me whenever I get hurt. My dad never forced me to do something that I do not want to do neither does he prevent me from doing the things that I want to do. He is in my life because he wants to and because he loves me so much that he does not want me to feel alone.

I always get special treatment from my dad. I am the only daughter and a self-confessed parents' girl. I always run to them whenever I have problems even tell them things that most people do not tell to their parents like peer quarrels and haters talking back about me. We have our own version of chikka moments and I often tell them everything but my love life. Setting that topic aside, I have always been that sheltered daughter who was never allowed to go out by myself when I was in elementary. I was never allowed to hang out with my friends outside the school and whenever I want to go somewhere, I always have a chaperone. That was my life before I became a carefree high school student and now an independent college young lady.

All through out those stages, there were only two men who never leave me. My brother, who in some ways became an indirect best friend and my dad who is literally there ever since, now that I am in college, I cannot help but still cling to my dad and ask him for protection. After classes, I always text him and ask him if I could go to his office and eat dinner with him. He never said no and he serves nothing but the best food for me. He buys things for me and always makes sure I get to go home safely, eat properly and attend my class on time. He may have imperfections but still, he is the best father in whole world for me.

I cannot help but compare him to his colleagues and friends who seemed to forget their father role to their children. I cannot imagine my life without my dad and it gives me a disappointed feeling that some father took for granted their responsibilities as the father to their children. I mean, my dad often tells me that we are his greatest possessions and he would do everything for us and we felt blessed but I cannot help but ask myself about the others who have fathers but they cannot feel their love because they are always busy working and making a living without realizing that no money can replace the joy of being with your family.

My dad gave up too many things, ambitions and even possessions because he always wanted to be there for us. When I was young, my dad was staying in Manila for his studies airplane fares were not that affordable then yet he always make sure to go home even once a month just to visit us and be with us even for a while. He was also planning to study law but he did not pursue it since if he will, he would have to home late and might not be able to play with me and my brother because it will already be late. I was in high school when someone told me that my dad was invited to go to a bar when he was on a different place yet he refused to because he just wants to go home. Now that I am in college, my dad would bring me with him outside for dinner with his colleagues and bosses because he does not want to feel comfortable while I am just eating in my room alone.

All these and many more are the things that I shared with the man I truly love. He will always be that one man who will remain in my heart when all else fails to appreciate me. I love him so much and just like him, I will also do everything just to make me happy even if it means studying all night and sacrificing traffic just to see him on a weekday. I love my dad and it pains me to see him hurt and sacrificing. J

-Sheena-

Imaginary Dream

2011-01-18T09:22:00.001-08:00

I was lying on my bed one night. My mind was too tired to think yet it lingers in the memory that we created. I could still remember those days when we thought we were together. It was as if the world revolves around us alone. We did not mind anyone; we continue to hold our hands, play with each other's hair and hum our favorite songs. Your scent would remain in my memory until now. Oh, that scent! Whenever I smell someone who wears the same perfume, the memories start to play again.

We did not plan to be together, we were young and capable of doing anything yet we used our freedom responsibly. We live our own paths yet we or rather I continued to hope that it would be us in the end. Sooner, the emotion I felt was gone and you were gone. You were never there in the first place. I just thought you were, yet reality tells me that those touch and cuddles have scientific explanations and were not really a product of your affection.

Now, someone is on my head. I think of the many things that we shared whenever I think of him. I wonder if maybe, just maybe he will be better than you are. I wonder if he would understand me more than you did and I wonder if he could make me laugh more than you made me laugh. Comparing is not a good thing but it is the only way that would make me remember that I had someone as great as you did.

We may asked what happened or did something happened, I would readily answer there was none. We did not commit and that was what did not happen. Regrets? None. There is not. I only have this feeling of pain and embarrassment. I should not have fallen for you. I should not have remembered everything and believed in everything. There was nothing to believe and you were no one to believe. Your expression of love was not real, we just thought it was. Mine was neither love either. It was a feeling of excitement and possession. I was under pressure and so were you.

There will never be us in the end, just you and me living our own lives happily. I say it is better this way. At least I get to understand fully the difference falling in love and falling out of love. It is not actually meant literally. Falling out of love is just an expression used by people as an alibi in breaking up with the person that they only like but never loved. Love is such a strong word, so as hate. Like and love are two opposite words often mistaken as synonymous.

This time, I just have to be careful. Some dreams are not even dreams. Things do not come as it is. We still have to think and think harder before taking risk and giving our life. I still like you though however, this feeling of like will be gone as soon as I find someone better and real. J

-Sheena-

P.S.: I'm just stressed with RESEARCH. Nothing personal.

Optimism In A Cruel World

2011-01-13T08:58:00.001-08:00

It amazes me how a world filled with poverty and crime becomes beautiful and attractive.

I have been recently inclined to buying cheap things at different stores that offer cheap but cute products. On top of my list of these places is Carbon Market in Cebu City. This place might be dangerous but I am sure I will get used to this soon. Of course, when you will go to Carbon you should not wear extravagant clothes and jewelries and boast every material thing that you have, you just have to pretend that you are at your house and you are about to have close relatives coming. Shorts or long pants paired with a simple shirt and rubber shoes or slippers will do. No high heels, please.

Anyway, my post is not about buying cheap products but rather the people living in this area. Some will judge this place as the set for criminals and notorious people. I say, this place is a place for people hoping for a difference in their respective lives but their hopes were put to waste that is why they are calling for our attention. I am not in favor of the criminals or the unrighteous people; I am just trying to look things at a perspective of a person who does not want to look at the bad side of people. I do not want to make conclusions either but there is just something in me that say I should not judge them negatively.

I am not a constant visitor of this place. I only visit when I have saved enough for new clothes or when my mom asks me to buy something. I passed by the residential area of the place when I ride a jeepney going home, this happens ones in awhile and I believe that those are not enough proof for me to say that they have something that amazes me and that something expresses a beauty that cannot be explained by anyone or by anything.

Those areas may be prone to fights or crimes but certainly, there is something that makes the people flock there. The way I see it, I see happiness even just with simple things like barbecue and ice candy. Their simple luxuries like gifts from kind people and their enthusiasm in playing sports like basketball. I partially saw poverty but with that, poverty came something like camaraderie and goodwill. There may be exceptions but that is not what I am here. I am here to share to everyone that we do not need the luxury of life to live. We just have to have the will to be alive and to prosper. Things come and go. Money might be a necessity in life but I tell you, money will just arrive on your hands if you are willing to sacrifice but friends? It takes a lot of actions and good deeds to have friends and I know most of them share an extreme bind that is unbreakable.

This is how I view Carbon. I am seriously dead scared of the different possibilities that could happen to me here but I know the right thing to do. No judging. Not everyone is the same and each of us have our reasons of doing different actions. Crimes may happen but I guess it is happening to maintain balance. Soon though, I am hoping that we will all live happily ever after.

Let us not be selfish with what we have. Let us all share the blessings that we receive and let us all give thanks to the Lord, our creator as he showers everyone with blessings and as he continue to support us in all our endeavors.

-Sheena-

Independent Woman

2011-01-10T06:37:00.001-08:00

It will be difficult to be lazy when I am at home. My parents usually pressure me to do something reasonable or at least force me to do some favor or clean the mess someone else created. That is my life at home; it may seem difficult patiently do those things but nothing could beat the happiness when you are having dinner with your family and eating some decent meal.

In my condition now, I have not gotten a decent meal that cost less than 50.00 and I am finally realizing how difficult it is to save for something. I usually ask my parents for something and wait for a while be they realize how badly I want it and then *poof* it will be there lying on my bed not too soon. I am not bragging but my parents just want me to be happy and that is what they usually do, grant my simple requests and make me smile. Now that I am all grown up and "mature," I have finally given the thought of merely asking and begging and transformed into a "saving" type of girl and sacrifices and good deeds before getting something.

I remember asking my dad my Converse shoes, it was one Weekday when we went to the mall to have dinner and I suddenly passed by the shoes section and check on the displays. I just told my dad that I am going to save and buy a pair of shoes. You might probably guess what happened next, my dad brought me to the mall the next week and asked me to choose the shoes that I want and paid for it. I usually think it is the norm but when I was conversing with my college friends, they told me how difficult it is to save to buy something. I felt guilty because I feel that I am asking my parents too much. Nevertheless, I continued doing the normal actions for me, asking and luxuriously buying what I want and not what I need.

Today is a different story, last Christmas season I found this cute bag somewhere, I have been craving for something like that since forever, and now that I found it, I want to buy it directly. I was with my mom at that time and she was about to buy that bag for me but I refused. It is something that I want and I should do something to deserve it. That is why, I will save for that and hope that by next week I will have that bag on hand. I received Christmas money last Christmas and the money is enough to buy that bag but I do not want to use it since it is not something that I have worked hard.

If ever I will have that bag, I will really be proud of myself since it is the first thing that I have truly saved. Please help me pray that I will be guided in spending my money within the next two weeks so that I will be able to have the bag that I have been wanting. I am hopeful that this will be the start of a responsible, mature and independent me when it comes to money and buying things.

-Sheena-

P.S.: I love you.

Unexpected Happiness

2011-01-10T06:36:00.001-08:00

Today is like everyday only a bit happier. When all that is happening are the norm, it is usually the day when something special is in stored for everyone. If I will go on and write about what happened today, you will probably be bored or you will probably be happy for me. I have proven something again, guys in my school are really amazing and they are one of the best people that I like in my school. I borrowed umbrella from a random friend this morning and he has a kind heart.

The afternoon was a different story, my good friend offered to bring my bag while I was eating my post-lunch food and he was patient in waiting for me to finish my food. My last period class offered me a kind of happiness that can be felt when my good friend proved to me that he is truly good. He allowed me to borrow his umbrella and take it with me to wherever I will go the rest of the day. He paid a percentage of the amount that I will be paying for the photocopy payment even without asking him. He is one of THE MOST AMAZING guy that I have known so far. I went to my dad's office bringing that kind of happiness.

When I say happy, I really mean happiness but my dad surprised me with something more. I have received different kinds of gifts and each cost at different range. If I am really blessed, I will sometimes receive gifts from random friends that were bought outside the country or I will receive anything from anyone. Gift giving is something that will touch me since I believe that when I receive a gift, no monetary amount could equal the value that a certain person remembered me and really thought of giving me something.

Going back to my dad, he told me that I have a gift from his friend. I was surprised to hear it since I have not received any gift from his friend who is not my godfather or godmother. I excitedly ask if who is that "friend," he did not answer and he just told me to eat my torta that my mom sent to me and drink the coffee that my dad prepared. I directly drank my coffee, ate slices of torta, and showed to my dad my eagerness for the gift. My dad went inside his room and when he came out, he was bringing a gift wrapped in a white paper with a written note that says: "To: Sheena Merry X'mas and a happy New Year 2011 From: CINSP *. O***z" I directly commented on the handwriting since it was clearly my Dad's, he just laughed at what I said and instructed me to open it. I was not in a hurry since I was not expecting for a big gift and inside my mind, I was actually thinking of what could possibly be inside this gift. Upon uncovering the top portion of the gift, I was shock to read TIMEX on the box and when I finally opened the box, I was surprised to see an elegant silver watch with a lining of gold. I was not expecting of receiving a watch and certainly not this brand/type. I felt like it was too much considering the fact that I do not even know the kind person who gave me this beautiful gift. Last Christmas vacation, I was checking on some Facebook accounts and viewing the watches that they are selling. I wanted to buy cheap a cheap watch and alternately wear it with the watch that my Dad gave me two years ago in replacement for Kim's but God is really blessing me with amazing gifts that I do not need to buy any watch because I have a new one.

Wow. I am overwhelmed by what happened and by what I received today. Certainly, God is working in mysterious ways. I may not know the person who gave me this gift that I am now wearing, I do hope to meet him someday and personally thank him but for now, I have to always and forever thank God almighty who continuously give me gifts in different form and for surrounding me with amazing and kind people. J

-Sheena-

P.S.: You are one of the amazing people so keep smiling because you are beautiful.

Behind The Show

2011-01-07T04:34:00.001-08:00

If all of us will judge everyone directly and would make the first impression last, the world might be full of lies and pretentious acts. It is a good thing that most of us do not do this and that most of us are trying to find someone's goodness before judging them. Human as we are, we try cannot avoid judging someone by the way they appear and by what most people say about a certain individual. I am guilty of judging a person to be strict, snob and all those bad descriptions that one could call a girl but I was wrong about this person because she is such a darling and she serves in the church. She is even one of those active girls in school who are up-to-date to the different events that cater the needs of the students and of other people.

I have been a bad judge of character since I am not good in reading the personality of an individual and most often, I end up judging them as someone they are very not. I think I have to put it as a personality to improve, I should not judge anyone in neither way as long as I have the chance to get to know the person personally because I might end up like a pessimist who always think of negative things.

I hope everyone will try to do the same. I mean, it will not hurt us if we will not say something until and unless we get to know the person and even if we do, we do not have the right to judge the person because she has her own reason to act that way. I am sure we all have reasons why we are this way. It is our choice if we want other people to know or not. J

-Sheena-

Blockers

2011-01-06T07:34:00.000-08:00

college girls now. it is amazing how we still get to bond even if we are now conquering the big world and it is even amazing how we manage to crash our ideas and make it into one. my high school barkada has always been the best people i met in high school and i will really be so foolish to actually give them up for anything that's why i will never give them up. i miss them so much that's why i am making this post and i am hopeful that they will be able to read this. anyway, i'd like to share to everyone the friends that i will always keep and i will always cherish. yen. is taking up nursing in bohol and she's the happy-go-lucky type of person who is even luckier because she's at home and with her mom. do check her blog to know more about her. rinne. is taking up medtech in cebu and she's the one i often see since our respective schools are situated a bit near from each other. another thing about rinne is that we hang out with the same crowd so most of my college friends are also connected with her barkada which also reminds me of her famous quote: "feathers with the same feather flock together" :-) jev. is taking up dentistry in cebu, she's the sporty girl in our barkada and she's this silent type of person at first but when you get to know her, you'll realize that she's amazingly cool and hyperative. donz. is the talented chick in our barkada. she's fun of dancing and singing she does this together with yen and they have videos in youtube. do check it out. hehehe...

anyway, this is my super close friends since high school until now. we have been through a lot and i know that we will still undergo different trials but those are all challenges that we will face together. i love them so much and i miss them. we envision ourselves to still be together even if we will have our respective families and duh, we are hoping that our husbands will also get a long well with each of us. :-) that will be ten to fifteen years from now.

-Sheena-

an IF in my life

2011-01-04T05:08:00.001-08:00

I will go a bit slow and mushy tonight. I was reading a cool blog and I cannot help but be envious of what the writer is experiencing. Nevertheless, I am happy of what I am having right now and I do not think I am capable of being into a relationship right now. Anyway, it is cold in my place and I just want to write something and let all my thoughts flow.

I have a new favorite song and it might be embarrassing to admit that yes, I have just heard this song last January 1, 2011 and my classmate knew about this beautiful song months ago but it doesn't matter since this song is classic. If HE and I were officially together now, I would probably tell him that I found our wedding song. I might even ask him so sing the lines for me and even ask him about our future but I doubt if it will happen since we both decided to live our separate lives and face the future in the future. J I must admit that during lonely and emo times, I think of what might have been and still hope and pray that I will find the one soon, if he is not him then I pray for someone better.

The song is entitled Marry Your Daughter and no matter what, it will be my wedding song (crossing my fingers on my hope that I will get married at the right time).

Sir, I'm a bit nervous
'Bout being here today
Still not real sure what I'm going to say
So bare with me please
If I take up too much of your time,
See in this box is a ring for your oldest
She's my everything and all that I know is
It would be such a relief if I knew that we were on the same side
Very soon I'm hoping that I…
Can marry your daughter
And make her my wife
I want her to be the only girl that I love for the rest of my life
And give her the best of me 'till the day that I die, yeah
I'm gonna marry your princess
And make her my queen
She'll be the most beautiful bride that I've ever seen
Can't wait to smile
When she walks down the isle
On the arm of her father
On the day that I marry your daughter
She's been hearing for steps
Since the day that we met (I'm scared to death to think of what would happen if she ever left)
So don't you ever worry about me ever treating her bad
I've got most of my vows done so far (So bring on the better or worse)
And tell death do us part
There's no doubt in my mind
It's time
I'm ready to start
I swear to you with all of my heart…
I'm gonna marry your daughter
And make her my wife
I want her to be the only girl that I love for the rest of my life
And give her the best of me 'till the day that I die, yeah
I'm gonna marry your princess
And make her my queen
She'll be the most beautiful bride that I've ever seen
I can't wait to smile
As she walks down the isle
On the arm of her father
On the day that I marry your daughter
The first time I saw her
I swear I knew that I say I do
I'm gonna marry your daughter
And make her my wife
I want her to be the only girl that I love for the rest of my life
And give her the best of me 'till the day that I die
I'm gonna marry your princess
And make her my queen
She'll be the most beautiful bride that I've ever seen
I can't wait to smile
As she walks down the isle
On the arm of her father
On the day that I marry your daughter.

Sometimes, I dream of getting married and having that time of my life but I know it won't happen in this decade or time yet because I have too many things to do and I have to pass school and have work yet before thinking of marrying and much worst, I have not found the right guy yet. So let us just stick our ears to listening to this song and dream. Libre lang naman mangarap diba?

-Sheena-

P.S.: Sorry if I sound too bizarre and too imaginative, on cold days when teachers don't show up or when I am in an emotional crisis where in I don't know what to feel, all I could think of is my happy thoughts and hobbies and I guess fantasizing about my future is on top of them.

P.P.S.: I will try to be fun as much as possible and not bore you with my boring thoughts. ILY!

Santa’s Little Girl

2011-01-04T00:20:00.001-08:00

The existence of Santa Claus was usual and normal for me. The night before the feast of the Three Kings, my parents would encourage me and my brother to put socks on our Christmas tree so Santa could place our presents inside them. My brother and me would wake up early the next day and eventually find chocolates and money inside the socks. The whole idea of present giving fascinated us. It boosted our confidence even more when we found out that our cousins did not receive anything from Santa. Every year, we anticipate for the presents that Santa gave us. There was not a question on whether it is actually from Santa or not, as long as there is proofs that one exists then we settle for it. The faith of Santa existed until we were old enough to realize that our parents were the ones who put those gifts in our socks during nighttime.

We were not disappointed but rather grateful because once in our life our parents allowed us to believe in someone's existence that most kids were forbidden or were forced not to believe. We may be deceived and feel fooled but we think that what our parents did was more of giving us the simple joy during Christmas. The surprises allowed us to think that something great exists then we were able to enjoy a bit of childhood and then we have something to share to everyone.

Now that I am old enough to think of my childhood Christmas experiences, I would want to be child again. At some point, I have to admit that the real essence of Christmas would sometimes be lost since I tend to be materialistic and selfish. All I think are the gifts that my ninangs and ninongs gave me. I tend to ask too many things from my parents and I try to buy new clothes for the occasion that I think is not necessary since the real meaning of Christmas is gratitude, family gathering and Jesus.

I am grateful that this Christmas, I was able to realize too many things that it allowed me to be truly grateful of what I have and not ask for too many things. This year, I prefer to share other than receive. Sometimes, I feel like I am on the wrong side of the situation so I try to adjust and be on the right side. I may think that I am broke but when I see the reaction of my friends, no amount of money could repay it.

There are things that are more important than money or even material things. I think the best thing to receive is a smile from a friend who received something from me or even just a random smile; it is enough to make my day. Those smiles gives me unexplained and overwhelming joy like the ones I feel during those mornings when I wake up and find my sock filled with Santa's presents. J

-Sheena-

From Basketball Shorts to Dresses

2011-01-02T04:26:00.001-08:00

I used to wear basketball shorts and play with the boys. At a very young age, I was exposed to different male behaviors since I was the only girl in the neighborhood. My parents do not care if I acted this way. It was not an issue that I was branded as "one of the boys."

Later then, I was open to the idea that different genders exist and at the same time, my parents are little by little inculcating in my mind that I should be careful in dealing with the opposite gender.

My aunt from another place visited and then I was taught how to act in a lady-like manner. My aunt taught me how to sit properly and she, in some way, prohibited me to wear loose basketball shorts and wear decent woman clothes such as skirt and dress. It annoyed me at first since I was not used to wearing those kinds of clothes, it took a lot of time for me to use to it. Eventually, I appreciate the thought of wearing skirts but it did not prevent me from running around with the boys.

I studied in a Catholic school when I was in elementary and there is always a boundary between girls and boys but still, it did not prevent me from talking and hanging out with the boys. I feel comfortable in dealing with them.

I guess it took me a lot of time in getting used to the whole idea of peer relationship with girls since I was born around boys and I do not feel any harm whenever boys are around. School can sometimes be influential in the lives of people especially mine since I spend most of my time in school and learning centers and there, I was taught of the different values that every girl should acquire. They are taking into consideration the actions that one does so that they will be respected by the people around.

Now that I am grown up, sometimes I could not help but pity those people who seemed to fear people of opposite gender just because their religion, school or even family says so. I always think that exposure to people; instances and events make a good learning experience.

In my case, I was not prohibited by my parents and though school has inculcated in my mind certain aspects about the opposite gender, it did not hinder me from connecting with other people. Right now, I think I am having a balance relationship with both the female and the male.

-Sheena-

Budding Unconsciously

2011-01-02T04:15:00.001-08:00

I have often stressed out that I am not functioning the way others are and I do not think as others do. 2010 ended and as I was reading year-ender posts of older people, it was as if I have the same age as them. They talk about realizations that I realized now and it seems like we have the same hopes for 2011. I like the whole idea of maturing and learning things earlier but somehow, it feels creepy. I mean, I cannot help but wonder what normal teenagers of my age do.

I will make sure that 2011 will be a different year for me since I really want this year to be a blast and I want to move away from planning to just going with the flow. My OC-ness will still be present but I will try to lessen it and just function as how I should be. I want to do many things this year, some may seem impossible while some seemed like just an easy job for me. If ever I will be able to do any of my planned activities, I will surely post it in my blog and share it with everyone.

School will start soon and I cannot wait to see my friends and get everything done so that I will be able to do the things that I want to do. I plan to find a job this summer and help my parents pay my bills since I will be 18 on April and 18 means job opportunities and chances to make things right. I do not want the thoughts of others about me since they actually thought I am a selfish brat who thinks of nothing but spending all my parents' money for useless crap. I am not that kind of person and I want to prove those people wrong.

This 2011, I will try to make things right and I want to surround myself with optimistic people who are willing to share their positive vibes to me. I think you are one of them. Let us altogether face 2011 bravely and if ever things go wrong, do not forget that I am here to be a shoulder to lean on. J

Love lots,

Sheena

The Year That Was

2010-12-30T18:36:00.001-08:00

Last year, I was so excited to write year-ender posts and reviews about what happened. I remember staying late at night just to write and publish the different meaningful events that happened in the year 2009 but this year, as 2010 draws to an end too many complications and I have to write different papers for school which will prevent me from thinking and remembering about a meaningful year that is about to end. So I might write some posts regarding this year soon but it won't be as detailed as the previous one. In the next year, it is my hope that I will be able to write at least one entry everyday or at least write something in a week. It is to my dismay that there are too many things happening around and I don't which of them should I share.

As I look back to the things that happened, it was more of a tough year and a transition period from an end to a beginning that I thought I was ready. The highlight of my 2010 will probably be living alone and learning how to be independent and juggle the different things that I have to manage and I admit I wasn't able to juggle love properly that I ended up not having one to be with when the clock will strike 2011. Nevertheless, 2010 is filled with family and friends realization that taught me how to appreciate life with them even more. I realize too many things and I could really say that change occurs constantly in this world. I have learned to take part in group activities without overdoing or under doing things.

I realized my value as an individual and this year, I was able to mature even more and grow as a person who doesn't think of too much material things to live. Life's real meaning isn't about what brand I wear but rather about how I affect individuals positively and how I give back the blessings that I receive to other people. I may be talking like a different person now but as you have noticed, I am growing from a selfish brat to a person who considers other people first before me. I will be turning 18 this 2011 and it is my goal to achieve more and make my family proud of me.

I was always thinking of my comfort zone this 2010, I often think of how comfortable my life was when I am in Bohol but with the comfort that I feel I also neglect learning something that will allow me to progress. So it is my hope to go with the flow next year and enjoy life because it will never be as it is. I have encountered a lot of people this year and I've learned from them. It is nice to meet new people but it is even nicer to be able to keep the best people you ever have in your entire life, which is why I am keeping my friends who remain to be the best to me even if I am at my worst. Dramas happen but that is all they are. They exist and I can't do something to prevent it from happening.

From now on, I just want to live, love and laugh. I have taken control over too many things I guess it is time to just let them be and just smile always. J I don't want to look old at a young age.

-Sheena-

Christmas Wishlist

2010-12-25T02:08:00.003-08:00

Actually, I have none. I figured I have the best of life already and too many things happened this year that it made me realize how blessed I am to be in this position. My family is supportive, I have amazing friends who are always there for me, and I love them all. I do not need a new phone since I am contented with what I am using simple, less fancy and it suites my lifestyle. My netbook is functioning well so I do not need a new one. I found the perfect place to shop cheap clothes so I do not need those gifts from other people. My beloved camera is taking me to a completely new level and there are still too many things to learn from that gadget that I do not need a new one this time.

I think I only need an MP3 player or an Ipod so that I could listen to some music whenever I am alone but I do not think it is a necessity that I am willing to save for it and wait for the right time to buy one.

Probably, I'll ask for the nonmaterial gifts such as love from my family and friends, good health for everyone, discipline for myself and wisdom to know what is right or wrong. I am asking for this things since I figured if I'll have all these then probably I'll create change within myself and affect people with this, I will help in spreading the goodness that the world needs.

How about you? What is your Christmas wish? I hope to hear from you soon.

-Sheena-

Simplicity over Complication

2010-12-25T02:08:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas!

It is again the season of smiles, laughter, gift giving and breaking free. I never thought I'd be having a blast this year. I received unexpected gifts from unexpected people and honestly, I am not talking about material gifts but instead gifts from the heart. Gifts that cannot be replaced by money, it is something that is given heartily and voluntarily and I am so blessed to have such gifts.

Christmas celebration is different this year since I felt the feeling of loneliness in the past months because of school and I have been anticipating for this moment for the past months. I was excited for this moment to come. I do not want to have fancy dinner with my family and attend parties that involve unknown people. I just want to keep it simple and happy. My mom prepared food for the whole family and we had Noche Buena together. It was just me, my brother, my dad and my mom. Just the four of us but it was filled with laughter and fun. I was full but neither of us mentioned about diet or anything related to it. In my mind, I kept on thinking that it is Christmas; a time to be happy and fulfilled and to this time, I am fulfilled.

I got tired of attending parties so I stayed at home and hang out with my family and it was worth my time. All I want to do is be with my family since moments like this will not happen every day.

Aside from being fulfilling our own happiness, we also need to fulfill the happiness of others. Give gifts without expecting anything in return and just learn to be happy by seeing others happy. Remember that Christmas is not just all about us but it also involves other people and most especially God who sent his son Jesus to save us and to be our role model. Let us not forget to give thanks to him and to appreciate the gifts that he gave us.

Again, Merry Christmas everyone! Thank you for the memories, the comments, the notes and the friendship that we shared no matter how we made it work. J May God bless you always.

-Sheena-

What the World Needs

2010-12-25T02:07:00.001-08:00

Too many good looking men yet none of them suites the taste of many: yes, they are cute and they have hot body but it does not matter. There is more to a person than just the perfect curves and the complete set of abs; nothing could beat the greatness of the few men who are willing to protect the girls around them. I have been to different places and met different men; I always thought it is all about the looks but enough instances have proven my belief wrong.

Ever since I was a kid, I have been surrounded by guys who make fun of me and who tease me until I cry. I used to admire boys who are ideal in the eyes of many but certainly not ideal in the eyes of the few people who have gotten to know him well. I always thought handsome people are nice and fulfilling to hang out with but when maturity takes place, one would choose the person who has the sincerest and kindest heart to help and serve.

I was at the Cebu port yesterday boarding the sea craft that would take me home to Bohol. I was bringing too many things that it made me difficult to move and considered my luggage heavy. Suddenly, a kind porter helped me in carrying my things without even asking for anything in return. Upon my arrival in the Tagbilaran City port, I was still carrying the same things, porters were flocking around making my position really challenging but they did not even bother to offer assistance or anything.

These two instances made me realize many things but I will try to focus on the positive side since it is Christmas season.

Of the many realizations, one of them remains the greatest: I AM SORROUNDED BY TOO MANY GENTLEMEN that I feel the need to share their goodness to everyone.

A guy texted me one morning, checking if whether I am awake and ready to go to church with him.

The same guy offered me some help when I asked for gift suggestions to give to my good friend.

A different guy needs companion so I accompanied him, while we were about to cross the street, he transfers to the danger side just to make sure that I feel protected.

I met a friend who seemed to be just a normal person but when he talks, he is all about his girlfriend and he talks about missing her always since they are away from each other.

Some random guy in my university says hi and smiles at the everyone without being flirty or some sorts.

I ran out of change one afternoon, I asked people if whether they have change for 500.00 but all of them answered none. I saw my good friend and asked him the same question, he did not have change either but he accompanied me to a nearby store and made sure that I have enough change for fare.

Last Thursday, the annual Oblation run happened and I was so desperate to avoid it. Then, my good friend offered to help by treating me a VERY ROCKY ROAD ICE CREAM at the canteen and even tried to cover my eyes when the naked people passed by.

I am filled with happiness because I am surrounded by awesome guys who are willing to help me, make me smile and even allowed me to believe that love is always present in the lives of everyone. The boys I met in college are the best boys I've met so far. They care for everyone yet they do not expect anything in return but friendship.

It takes a lot time for one to realize that she has the best until something is gone but I am trying my very to appreciate beauty the way they it should be accepted and appreciated. After all, the world does not need make up, face powder or even whitening products; all the world needs is a simple act of kindness to make the earth a better place to stay.

-Sheena-

Get to know myself betterrr...

2010-12-09T18:23:00.000-08:00

Ate Rich posted in her blog a test to get to know yourself better. Since I have nothing to do and I am having a headache, I tried taking the test and I have to admit that most of the things mentioned are real. :-)

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

You might want to take the test also... Click HERE

-Sheena-

The Long Line

2010-12-09T06:12:00.000-08:00

When I was in my last year of high school, I was pressured by the people who frequently ask questions about my plans for the future. By future, it would mean college and the rest of the years after studying. Whenever these instances came, I would keep quiet or I would give them uncertain answers. Honestly, I really don’t know what to answer; I have wants but I don’t know if those wants coincide with what my parents wanted me to do. I would often joke with my high school classmates and tell them that I don’t have a future anymore, my friends will just laugh and I would laugh at myself too but I know inside that it is true. I have a vague and an uncertain future, I have dreams but I don’t know how to achieve that dream since I realized that my life is not just about me. I have to consider a lot of factors before choosing something.

My most awaited moment came, my mom told me to prepare my requirements for the UP Cebu enrollment. After long talks and serious negotiations, my parents agreed that I will study outside our province. I know that it will be tough for them, other than the misery that both of us will be sharing, financial sacrifices will also be made. I was satisfied with their decision and whenever friends will ask me about college, I already know what to answer.

Armed with my parents’ approval, I passed my reservation form and I had my medical examination. Everything went well and I can’t sleep at night thinking of the many possibilities that will happen during my stay in UP. I don’t know what to expect since studying in the University of the Philippines never crossed my mind, I am not part of the top ten students in our school and neither I am a person who excel in certain fields such as painting but I passed the exam and that’s what I’m thankful for.

Days passed and it’s now the enrollment period, I woke up early hoping that I will be one of the first people in line and I will be able to finish everything and spend the rest of the day with my parents. Plans change. I was busy enlisting my subjects in the computer when I realized that I should not be doing it on that place but in my division instead. I was frustrated but I’m still hoping that half of the work will be done on that morning but there was a black out and the images in my mind with my parents shopping evaporated. I should work in the afternoon and that was what I did. I was successful in enlisting my subjects and I was about to go the cashier when I realized that I don’t know how much to pay. Then I knew that I should have gone to the Office of Student’s Affairs so that I will know my bracket. The cashier closed and I wasn’t able to finish the enrollment. I went home to my province thinking that that day was my last day in the University of the Philippines. I was about to give up.

The whole process of enrolling was stressful. There was no clear guide on where to go and what to do. I was given a guide but the guide was not followed. I was disappointed by the whole procedure, I was expecting so much but all my expectations drop and I was thinking of settling for another school. I was about to drop my last card when my parents explained to me the different challenges that I will be facing and everything went back, my dreams of studying outside the province and away from the comforting arms of my parents.

I went back to the university hoping for things to be fine. I have been through a lot and a lot of time was spent and I can’t just give up easily. I got my form 5 and weird as others may think it is, I want to jump and shout but I can’t so I just prayed and thanked the Lord for this wonderful gift.

Just when I thought everything is fine. Now, I just knew that the enrollment was only the first of the many problems, struggles and challenges that I will be facing here in the University of the Philippines.

The Comfort of Home

2010-12-09T06:08:00.000-08:00

House and home are two words often considered as synonymous with each other, or if not, their meanings are often interchanged. Both words may have different meaning but these words may coincide with one thing: each of the words would mean belonging to a certain place. House is the structure where people live in while a home is a house with family or group of people living in it. Home is the best word to describe where I live.

I am guarded by the loving arms of my parents and I am tested by the annoying hands of my brother and for me, this is home. The physical structure of a house doesn’t matter for as long as I am with my family.

Staying away from the loving arms of my parents to study in Cebu is a difficult decision. I have to struggle with the different tests like doing the household chores on my own, waking myself up for my morning classes and forcing myself to study without the guidance of my mom. I am a dependent girl trying to accept the idea of independence but I didn’t learn it until I left home and face life on my own.

Little by little, I am learning but there is still that dependent side of me who wants to run to my mom whenever I get hurt or I feel pain. Sometimes, I want to cry like a little girl and hide in my bedroom. I want to talk to my dad and play tennis with him at home. I love eating the delicious cakes that my mom is baking and I love the coziness that the curtains and furniture are giving whenever I am at home.

Sometimes, whenever I get fed up, I entertain myself with my imaginations of home. I even think of going home and leave all my problems here and just stay in my comfort zone but reality bites, I have to go out of home and learn lessons on my own. In

that way, I will be able to be proud of myself for whatever lessons I’ve achieved. The temptation of going home still bugs me but I will stick to my decision of leaving home because I know that it will teach me more lessons and would make my parents proud of home.

Filipino Youth: Then and Now

2010-12-09T06:03:00.000-08:00

The beginning of Spanish era opened the Philippines to the new world. A lot of beliefs, actions and material things were brought to the Philippines but of all the things that the Spaniards brought, the values they thought us stood out. The Spaniards taught us a lot of values and they inculcated in our minds their classifications of right and wrong thus creating a somewhat dogmatic way of understanding, the citizens more affected by the values implemented by the Spaniards are the youths.

Youths of different generations responded to different situations another way. They viewed events and ideas in dissimilar perspective thus they are misunderstood by most people. The youths during the Spanish era are secretive and less expressive, they write letters more than they talk though the behavior of an individual also depends on the society that they are living. The society before was in favor of discreetness and silent moves while the society now accepted a more expressive lifestyle so, the youths opened their minds to the different ways of exercising the freedom of expression.

Filipino youths especially the students opened their eyes to a visible way of going against something that they are not in favor of and most would prefer activism as a way of relaying their message and complains to the higher office. Activism was often regarded as the rebellious way of expressing one’s thought but even if it is being referred as such, it is within the people’s knowledge that activism is an effective way of complaining. Some people regard activism as a way of complicating the life of an individual, life as they say is simple; we just have to accept whatever is given to us but the youths today aren’t as passive and they just don’t accept and follow. The youths today are open to asking questions and they think of many things. The youths in the earlier time weren’t as confident as the youths today, though there are some documented actions, they still act differently and they weren’t able to deliver their message well.

The actions of the youths today were often regarded as a disrespectful action and they should be prohibited in whatever they are doing, and the youths today are often compared to the youths in the earlier times. To mention a few comparisons, youths today answer their parents and won’t listen to whatever they are saying while the youths before listens to the words that their parents are saying. A lot of issues today concerning the youths weren’t present during the earlier years. Different sectors of the government had been very sensitive about these issues such as prostitution, drug abuse and human trafficking but still, the government cannot control the actions of the teenagers.

At the end of the day, the consequences of the wrong actions of the people will be given while some will suffer these consequences; there will also be those few who will benefit what the other youths fought for. The changes that occurred to the behavior of the teenagers should be accepted because these changes are done to respond to the needs of the society, it is not something to be scared about for as long as it is controllable and their actions are for the benefit of the other people it will be appreciated.

Favorite Place

2010-12-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

The magnificent view of Mount Apo’s peak greeted me as the plane was about to land, I am back in Davao City and I can’t wait to explore the place once again. I have been to Davao City for a lot of times already, yet, I can’t seem to stop myself from going back. Every trip to Davao City gave me new information about the place and visiting Davao allowed me to have new experiences and learn new things.

Davao City is located at the southern part of the Philippines. It is different from other places in Mindanao since the government handled the place differently. The mayor of the city imposed strict laws, thus, the place is a peaceful one for relaxation. The people exercised a strictly no smoking in public areas policy. During holidays or special occasions the people living in Davao are not allowed to use fireworks or anything that could cause pollution. Crimes and other illegal activities are not rampant in Davao since the people feared their mayor who happened to be a total disciplinarian. Davao City is indeed, a safe place to stay.

Aside from the safety place, Davao City catered a lot of wonderful and superb natural resources and views. The natives of the place never failed to preserve their culture and language.

My latest trip to Davao City allowed me to visit the Crocodile farm. Everything was wild as I saw numerous crocodiles opening their mouths as if they were about to eat me alive. I was lucky to see the feeding of the crocodiles and seeing them fight for their food made my heart beat faster. There was also a little show that would allow people to touch and interact with the animals known to be dangerous. I was able to touch a huge yellow snake and took pictures with the reptile. The oldest crocodile in captive named Pangil was also fed at that time and the reptile amazed me as he swallowed the head of the pig and I could still hear him chew the head as if it was a gum. I had a wonderful afternoon taking pictures with the wild animals.

Aside from the living creatures, the Crocodile farm also showcased a park where people could walk around and look at the replicas of the houses used to live before. There were also statues representing the Davao natives and each person has a story behind it.

To cap the day off, I ate my dinner at the peak of Davao City where I could see the panoramic view of the city. The lights were flickering as I look at the buildings and houses and when I look up, the clear view of the summer sky and twinkling stars seemed to be smiling at me. I decided to call it a day and hit the sack; the next day would be a new adventure for me.

A trip to Davao would never be complete if I can’t visit Mt. Apo. I started my second day early as I hope to reach the midpoint of the mountain. The place was a paradise for me since there were hot springs around and it was a picture perfect morning. I can’t stop myself from taking pictures of the place and from staying in the hot spring.

The time passed by too quickly, I just realized that it’s time for me to leave and start my journey to Cotabato City. I felt sad but something inside me told me that it won’t be too long before I will visit Davao City again.

College Gal

2010-12-07T06:54:00.000-08:00

Class Schedule

Life gets tougher each day. Things get piled all the time and people sometimes change. Unexpected events occurred and immaturity seldom crosses my way. Part of growing older is experiencing new challenges in life and meeting different people.

After pondering for a lot of times, crying and thinking, I was able to acknowledge the choice that I want to choose. I want to be independent and far from home. I got independence but never away from home, I could still feel my parents' presence since they always make me feel that they are around.

The picture above is my class schedule, I edited it for my desktop background.

Sometimes, it takes a person to be free in order to be responsible and in order to know his/her own limitations. My schedule is indeed full of free time and my teachers are sometimes unavailable so vacant periods are my thing.

In high school, free time would mean chatting sessions or eating sessions but in college, it would mean instant organization meetings, project making, journal pondering and group activities. Time is utilized properly and sometimes, I'd like to think it is better to have classes all day than to have breaks since breaks would mean more things to do.

College is really different, people, the environment and most of all... Different self. :-)

-Sheena-

Pursuing Practicality

2010-12-07T03:00:00.001-08:00

I find it amazing how social networks like Facebook connect people from my past and how it manage to maintain my privacy even if sometimes it gets interrupted. I never thought Social Networking sites will be significant to me since before, I get to ignore any notification I received from it and my password is nothing but a simple say about my favorite *toot*. I was caught up with Facebook since I could connect with my friends, express my feelings, stalk my crushes and talk to myself. It is like an all-in-one package where I get to socialize within the four corners of my room and feel like I am sitting beside my friends or talking to my brother.

I am nagging about this since just recently; I was able to connect with my elementary years that I have not talked to for years. Small conversations and little intrigues made me giggle for a while. It seemed like yesterday, I was sitting with them in a room listening to our teacher but we are all grown up and we matured enough to understand that feeling felt during those elementary years may not be real and I was reminded to move on. It is not the "love affair" that made me write this post but the expectations that my classmates had for me since I was what they thought as the writer.

Someone asked me of my course, I answered BS Management and all he said was "What? I actually expected you to take up Journalism or anything related to writing and speaking. Why Management?" His words struck me and I cannot help but ask the main question that I have often asked myself before.

"What makes me happy?" The answer would obviously be writing but there is more to it than plainly writing. I have to think of my future life other than just happiness. Of course, it is a big factor but I also understand that I need to do something to sustain my living and to earn a greater income. I admit that I am not a good writer but I know I can be. I also know that soon when things get better I can still make writing as my hobby and probably earn something from it. The gateway to a better life would be something that would allow me to grow up and explore the different fields and I believe that Management will provide me with what I need to learn.

Going back to the question of whether I am happy or not, I would gladly answer yes. With the material happiness and fulfillment that I have, I am contented but moreover, I am contented with the people who love me: my family, friends, classmates and random people who care about everything in the world including me.

Writing has been a part of me for years and it has been my identity. Writing for fun, expression and even for emotion, I believe that writing helped me in evolving into who I am today and I think, I do not have to graduate of the course related to writing or speaking in order to write. Sometimes, passion and love of a certain craft is needed and I believe that I have it.

Love

2010-12-04T20:31:00.001-08:00

Boredom sucks most especially when I am alone and lonely and my companion is just my netbook or my academic books. That sucks, right? So I entertain myself with watching movies that would make me hate love or disregard this emotional feeling of attachment to the person of the opposite sex. I am bitter with love and I hope not to be in love soon, just admiration.

The last movie I saw was Eat, Pray, Love and it makes me want to go to Indonesia and meet with Medicine Man and probably take an Eat, Pray, Love tour by myself and explore the goodness of the world without the worries of life. God will always provide. The movie taught me that the most powerful magic that one could do is prayer. To love is a given thing but it takes one to learn how to pray in order to learn how to be faithful. Being faithful is something that one could achieve by himself and I believe that faith is one of the foundations that keeps love existing. Therefore, if one learns how to be faithful it will also have the complete capability to love.

In my age now, I can say that I am in the process of learning how to be faithful while at the same time learning how to love my family and friends. Too much have happened it will be impossible for me not to learn how to love the people supporting me all throughout. My thinking might seem weird. Do you tend to ask if is it true that love makes the world go round? What is the basis of the "love"? Isn't it vague? I think it is more of faith and trust because if one will know how to trust and learn how to be faithful, there won't be a problem.

I may be talking about bitterness and insecurity here. What can I do? I am overwhelmed by the harshness of reality yet provoked by the goodness of the other half of life. Love isn't what I want to have right now. I just need the faith and trust of the people around me for me to function as who I really am and I know; I am on my way.

-Sheena.

A Short One

2010-12-04T20:24:00.001-08:00

Singing in front of my crush is something that I cannot imagine myself from doing. Aside from I don't really have a good voice and I should just keep to myself, I don't really have the courage to stand in front of everybody (with my crush in the crowd) and sing, I could probably tell a story or be the host but never a singer. Okay? But a very unfortunate event happened, I have to sing and I should sing it is kind of a lesser evil thing rather than dance. So yes, I did sing in front of my FORMER CRUSH and surpassed this challenge. Enough of the chitchat and I am writing this post for business. Yes, business.

Recently, my friends and I started this small business of buying and selling. Substantial amount of our earnings will be use as a budget for an outreach program for the kids. Our business is called Shop4C, which stands for Shop for Cheap. True, our products are cheaper compared to those that you could buy in department stores and in other shops. As of now, we are limited to selling within Cebu City and Tagbilaran City. It should have been just in Cebu but I grabbed the opportunity of selling this in my place so there. We are selling vintage necklaces and bracelet. When we are more settled, we might invest in buying and selling clothes and other products.

If you are interested in our new investment, please check our Facebook page. Please type in Shop4C in the search box and puff! You may now check on our products and purchase some if you want.

That is for my new endeavor and we are hoping to expand our reach to other places soon since we really want to practice our entrepreneurship skills for future use.

-Sheena-

Lalalala Life

2010-12-04T20:11:00.001-08:00

It is usual for someone to receive lemons in life but never chocolate moreover, it is unusual for a person to receive a candy store. I have not eaten a good candy for a long time but figuratively, life has been good to me and offered me a candy store. It is unusual for me to be happy since I am away from home and living alone is already a proven misery but I try to look at things in a different perspective and honestly, life so far is a good one.

The second semester started weeks ago and I had a blast with juggling schedules, entertaining friends and visitors, making assignments and researching in the library. I had a blast in checking out books for research and just simply hanging out with my friends; believe me when I say life with them is great and fun yet full of different nags and stories and most of the time, my wallet gets empty after hanging out with them. Nevertheless, I enjoy every hang out we have.

As what I have mentioned earlier, I have been receiving candy stores in life since I realized that I am having the best of life. I have good friends from high school whom I miss and who miss me (I think :-P) as well. I met good friends in college who bring out the best and the strength in me. I realized that hugging people is just normal when you do not give malice on that action. I wish I could hug my guy friends in high school since I missed a lot of hugging and serious talks with them. Recently, I knew that some schoolmates are actually friendly and cool when I will know them better. I gained bunch of trusted friends this school year and that is what I am grateful.

Receiving compliments and appreciations are something that I cherish the most. The trust that people show to me are overwhelming and humbling since I realized my importance in someone's life. I mean, I may seem like proud and boastful but I am just showing my appreciation to those people who appreciate my efforts and actions.

I may be biased since I am focusing on the good side of life but in my life now where everything seemed vague and unclear and least are sure, I don't need more problems but rather solutions. There will always be ways and time will not be a problem in life since we are given a lot of it here on earth all we have to do is stop procrastinating and act. There may be days when I worry cause I woke up late or I'm running late for my next class but what amazed me in life is that time tends to slow down when I need it to be. It may be a matter of controlling but I would like to believe that it is because of a greater power above who tries to put things the way it should be.

Let me share to you an occurrence that happened just recently. The whole NSTP class of UPCC was invited to attend a walk to end Violence against Women, it was dreadful, tiring since it started at 5:30am, and I have to run for my 9:00am class. I slept at around 11:00pm finishing some assignments and woke up at 4:30am. I know I did some magic tricks again but moving on, I brought my things already so that I could attend my 9:00am class. The program is expected to end at 7:30 and I am expecting a heavy traffic. It all happened the way I expected it to be, curious people were watching and it was a long and sunny walk but it did not end there, the problem occurred when the program ended at around 8:00am and I realized that I left important things at home so I still have to go home. I kept on checking my watch every minute while riding the jeeepney hoping that it will move a little slower. Eventually, I arrived at my boarding house at 8:30, I freshened up and checked on my things then went to school. I didn't check my watch since I don't want to see the long hand at 12. Magically, I arrived in school at 8:50. I still had time to talk to my friends and sell some of the products to my schoolmates.

Events like this seem to happen every once in a while and it amazes me how I manage to survive and to go one even if there is a problem in time. As for me, I would like to think that I am just giving myself too many problems even if there are not many actually. Problems given to me are those that I could manage and take care. I am aware that I cannot run away from my problem cause if I do, by the time I will come back; it will still be a problem. I just have to solve it know and claim my candy store after.

-Sheena-

First Relationship

2010-10-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

I aim for nothing but to be loved by someone the way I wanted him to love me. At an early age of twelve, I realized that I have a different feeling towards someone. I used to be the leader of the group but more often, I would follow one person and that is HIM. We were the item in school, we talk a lot and talk about random things. We never really thought that something strong would come along the way. We built sand castles and hope that the high tide will never come. He was my first love.

I know it may be too young or the feeling that we both felt during that time was immature, but none of us knew about the immaturity of our emotions since all we ever thought was the emotion of love. Teachers would tease us with each other and the fact is accepted, it never became official but both of us knew we were committed with each other. I introduced him to my parents as a good friend, same goes with his parents. We faced different struggles; I joined contest that he did not approve while he remains to be the same, the person I first love.

Little did we know that we only have little time to spend with each other, graduation was fast approaching and all we ever thought were our plans for the future. We planned to study in a different school together, join contest and support each other. Our college plan was to study in the university in our province and take the same course. That was all we wanted, to be with each other but things did not go as planned. My life went to a different direction; I studied high school in a different school. We were separated and fate was never kind to us. I remember his last words: ‘Good bye, sheen.’ That farewell said it all. We never met after the elementary graduation.

I thought I was too young to feel the pain and guilt but four years after, everything sunk in. Everything was my fault, I was too eager to start a new life that I forgot about the happiness in my present life. That separation became more painful when I meet other people and all I ever think of is that one person who taught me how to love and who showed to me how I should be loved.

At the end of the day, I may have liked or loved other boys but it will always be him. Yes, I have not moved on and until now, I am still hoping that it will still be him in the future. He may not be the perfect person but he is that one person whom I feel comfortable with. Just months ago, we got connected again and he told me about his life after graduation, he had fun and met a lot of other girls and I felt like my heart was broken the second time around but I could not stop myself from hoping. Who knows, it might still be us in the end.

Thanks Ate Rich for inspiring me...

-Sheena-

How dirty is the Money?

2010-10-24T20:41:00.001-07:00

Note: Please don't read this post if you do not have an open mind and if all you think are the selfish good things in life like receiving money to vote for someone.

Most people cast their votes in their respective precincts and with these votes lies the future of the basic unit of the government, the barangay. I was one of the passive people who didn't register to vote because the registration was not systematically done. There are lots of gaps and confusions and I couldn't stand lining on a long and unsure line. So, I settled myself not to vote and just observe the whole election process.

As the event neared, everything went way out of control. There are lots of killings and black propagandas involved.

If I was registered, one question would remain in my mind. Who will I vote among the four candidates? And the Kagawads? I know I may sound like a brat of some sort but you see, I just don't feel like someone in the lineup deserved something. Most of them rely to the money that they give to the people and what does this money states? A tagline that they will get their money back ones they are in the position.

I was privilege to look after an internet café and most of the money that they use in playing have stapler holes or with pieces of paper. To say it straight, most of the money is from the candidates. They are paying the people for their votes and this is the reality that is happening in my place. Vulgar vote buying and unstoppable staining of names of the candidates. Why can't have a clean election?

Most of the things that are going around are dirty things done by selfish people. If they really want to serve then why is this happening?

I am confused. More of the result, it is not reliable because the person chosen might not really be the person who deserve the situation.

-Sheena-

The Other Side of a Boy’s Heart

2010-10-23T00:19:00.001-07:00

I have not written a meaningful post in a long time so I'll try to write something like this.

Everyone has a soft side. It may not seem so obvious but seriously, they have.

Last Wednesday night, my cousin asked me for an advice. What he did was unusual since he is the type of guy who keeps on joking around, laughing and living the world as if he doesn't care about anything. According to him, her girlfriend asked him for a "cool off" and since it was his first time on that situation, he asked me if what does that mean. I was speechless at first. True, I have witnessed different kinds of relationship and cool off included but for an advice? That is way different. I went on saying: 'I don't know. Probably your girlfriend just want a little space but that doesn't mean you're about to break up. Not all cool offs mean you won't be together anymore.' In the middle of my line, I heard someone laugh. My concentration got lost and puff! Everyone around me laughed. It's not that I know a lot of things about love especially now that I view myself as a passive individual; I don't get attracted to anyone and I don't think I like someone right now or since I left home. Probably, I just don't know how to fall in love anymore or maybe I have already settled for someone.

The thought is; my stubborn cousin has turned into a gentleman the day he falls in love with this special girl. It reminds me of my friend/neighbor who asked for my opinion if which is a good gift for his girlfriend. If all boys on earth will be like them, we would probably live in a better place equipped with love and happiness. What is the point of falling in love and falling out of love in the middle of a supposed to be blooming relationship? On the other side, I used to think that guys are made to make girls happy and to love girls and for Boy-Girl relationship sake but I just realized that there are more to guys than we expect them to be. They are made to protect us even if we are not his girlfriend; some guys are made to listen to our rants about other girl or boys for that matter.

I miss the one person who made me feel like so special. That guy who taught me how to play the guitar last summer and that guy who told me that he will wait for me. Now, some people are pushing me to this new guy in my place and it sucks because he is not like the love of my life. He offered to teach me Dota other than guitar and well, he is way different. Not my type. Period.

Anyway, life is slowly turning differently this time and the shifting is surprising but exciting. Boys are not those who hurt girls but rather those guys who try to comfort a broken heart with no strings attach. They are just there and they co-exist with girls. J

-Sheena-

Witness to Crimes

2010-10-14T02:21:00.001-07:00

Disobeying simple traffic rules that leads to something greater like collision of cars or hitting a child playing on the side walk are events that are called accidents. They may be considered accidents but is there something we can do or we can not do to avoid these accidents?

Situations like these would often bring me back to my Philo I discussion about Determinism. Is everything really planned? Is it Fate or destiny? As for me, I'd call it choice. Everything is up to us, if we'd like to take the jeepney or the taxi or even simple things like choosing whether to wear a blue shirt or a red one. Everything is not a chance but choice but sometimes, the choices we have to make won't just be to us but also other people. Some people choose us to be someone we don't intend to be.

I am a jeep rider ever since I was in high school. I don't have the luxury to ride on cars simply because my Dad isn't always around to drive me to school and my mom doesn't trust the driver to use the van. I have often thought of things as normal and ordinary but as I have often stressed, my life isn't about normal and ordinary.

Beating the red light. Traffic rules say it all. Red would mean stop, Green is go and Orange should have been slow down but I say should have been because the color Orange these days mean go very fast. It may be considered a joke but it isn't because it is the truth. This is the most common crime that almost everyone is committing or even just witnessing. I rode on jeepneys whose drivers are inconsiderate or passive. Stopping in the middle of the street to unload or unload passengers, this is common but we all know it isn't right.

The second crime that I have witnessed was the worst and embarrassing crime but it just happened. I was on my way to my Dad's office when the jeepney stopped and a traffic enforcer rode on the front seat beside another passenger, he committed a crime for that matter since the two passengers are prohibited but things got worst when he asked the driver if the tabloid that was placed in front of him was new and the driver said yes, the driver grabbed the tabloid and placed money inside it and gave it to the traffic enforcer. Blocks after, the driver unloads the man as if nothing happened.

I was a witness to that crime and it is an embarrassment in my part that people like the traffic enforcer who should follow rules firsthand is the one violating the laws exist. Again, it is a choice that requires the understanding of rightness and wrongness of things and this time, people opt for the wrong one.

We are all witnesses to different crimes but most often, we choose to ignore the events around us and naming it as a simple thing but with these simple things lays the beginning of the big ones.

Everyone should be responsible of our actions or of whatever we have observed but human as we are, we tend to be weak and inconsistent with what we say. It is something that determines us all to be e part of whole country that sometimes simply does not care.

-Sheena-

Middle of the Week

2010-09-22T06:45:00.001-07:00

There is something about Wednesday that scares me. Different the ordinary Wednesday s I have in high school, too different that it makes me want to skip this day. It is a fact that good things happen every Wednesday; I receive text messages from unexpected people and I get to know people more during this day but it is unavoidable that every Tuesday night, I wonder what tomorrow will be. Probably because Wednesday is like a free day for me, minus the sometimes boring class every morning, everything is a mystery. Schedules get messed up and unexpected things happen but for me, Wednesday sucks because it is the time of the week when I will realize that things are slowly piling up and I have to do something to low. I have to start working but I don't know how. There is that attitude in me who wants to just sit or sleep since everything in me is running and working.

I hate the times of my life when everything seems unpredictable. I should have a plan and I hate surprises to happen, though it is fun and it makes me leap but there is that worry that if things didn't go how I planned it to be, painful consequences might happen and I don't want to be hurt or feel pain because I am aware that these times in my life, I tend to be very vulnerable.

The best word to describe Wednesday would be an out of the blue day. Things happen and I seem to lose my control over it, despite it being my Wednesday. I guess that's how life works. Sometimes, I just have to accept things and risk a day in my week to something that could help improve my life and could teach me a lot of lessons.

The Wednesday I had this week is similar to the other Wednesday, it is a mess but I am happy it went that way. I wasn't hurt and things were exact for something. Everything works in mysterious ways and I can't help but be proud of myself for what I have done and to what I have become. I have learned that it isn't always good to follow rules, sometimes I have to break them in order to learn to enjoy and have fun. It is also a learning experience yet you had fun and that's what matters. Life is too short to keep things in order and to be serious all the time.

If that's the case, Wednesday won't be that miserable after all. The middle of the week won't be the day that I would long to happen, neither will it be the worst day. Sometimes, it tends to make my heart leap off and it would allow me to dance on a different tune of life. I think my Philo class teaches this thing but not everything could be taken up in school. Sometimes, things are to be learned outside the classrooms and in the real field called life. I do believe that experience is the best teacher.

-Sheena-

Guess What?

2010-09-04T21:01:00.001-07:00

Windows 7 has that feature in the desktop background where pictures will change every ten minutes or how much time you'll set it. Tonight, I was listening to my songs while "trying" to study Philo and guess what? My "crush" from Sichuan, China appeared in my desktop. Crap! I think I really miss high school since all the happiness in my heart happened during that stage in life. While now, I am being ignored by my crush in college because of some misunderstandings and I don't know how to talk to guys already. I mean, I can't talk to them without stuttering. Well, except for some special guys who are approachable and friendly enough to talk to me. In short, guys whom I consider as my friends already. I think this is some kind of disorder or something since I don't know how to function whenever my crush is around. Very different from my attitude in high school where I get to chat with them and even hang out or do things together. Nah. I miss the old me. Outgoing. Outspoken. Extrovert. My confidence level is down to zero and I am intimidated by the people around me. L

-Sheena-

My World

2010-08-20T20:00:00.001-07:00

I know I write complains on my blog about my parents who nag at me all the time. I write about the "painful" and "hurtful" experiences I had with them but I fail to appreciate the goodness that they are showing me. I guess its part of living away from my family and mingling with other people who have real painful experiences with their parents that I learn to value the meaning of their sermons and angry expressions.

I am blessed to have them as my parents. I know that now. They are the best because they sacrifice some important things for me and my brother. My mom works hard baking cakes and other pastries so that we will have money to buy the clothes that we want, eat in the restaurant that we like and study in an institution that we yearn to enroll. My dad works hard sacrificing time away from us just to fulfill what his boss wants so that he could give us money for our allowance and buy pour pleasures like gadgets and so as our necessities to satisfy ourselves.

These are the things that I failed to recognize because I kept on thinking about the words that they say when I get low scores or when I ask for permission to hang out with my friends and not with them. I failed to realize that they have given me everything and all they ask is time and little understanding yet I failed to give them those simple requests.

My life revolved around happy memories but I failed to appreciate those happy sides because I kept on thinking about the negative side. I just realized that I never had a birthday without a cake or simple party, there is always that family gathering and even if my dad can't be around at times he still makes sure that I feel his presence by calling or sending me meaningful text messages that would make me think that he really longed to be on my birthday but some commitments just won't allow him to be here. Even if my dad is not around, my mom still makes sure that I am happy on my birthday by cooking all the food that I want and making the best birthday cake every year. When friends will visit, my dad will make way and watch television inside his room and will try to give us privacy even if we don't really ask for it. My mom cooks food to satisfy my friends' stomach and will make them want to come back. When I'll ask for a pair of new shoes, my dad will take me directly to the mall and let me choose whatever shoes I want and when I ask for new clothes, my mom will take me to the mall and choose clothes that will make me look thinner or presentable whenever I have to attend formal functions, my mom will lend me her clothes and will make me look good. Whenever I ask my parents some favors can't give, they will always make it to a point that I won't be disappointed because they always come up with something better.

The most painful favor or demand that I asked from them was the request that I will study in Cebu. It took me a lot of time to convince them, I was convincing my parents that they'll allow me to study here but they are also convincing me to study in our province. It even reached to a point that my mom offered me a car but I turned it down since I really desire to study outside our province to be independent. Now, I am trying to convince myself to hang on but the misery that I feel is so heavy. The longer I stay here, the more I realized that I am such a bad daughter because I failed to appreciate all the sacrifices that my parents did and are doing.

It took me seventeen years to realize that my parents will be the people I could run to whenever things aren't fine. I shouldn't be scared to tell them that I failed and that I am sorry because they are made to listen to whatever we want to say. I don't really know why I was able to write these sort of appreciation entry for them, it's just that… too many things has been shared by different people and I realized that whatever I'm thinking or considering as my problem isn't actually a real problem. It is just a part of my paranoid self and I should erase these things from now on. My parents will always be there for me and that's what matters.

To my parents, thanks for everything that you did and I know that you aren't asking a lot from me. You just want me to be the best because I will be the one who will harvest my works in the future. You love me so much, I know that now and I also know that you know that I love you so much. I don't know how to pay you back with all the things that you did for me. I am such a brat but you didn't consider me as such and you still continue to give me whatever I want and support me in whatever decision I will make. You are the best gift God has given me and I will always be thankful for your existence and guidance.

-Sheena-

To Balance the Chaos

2010-07-29T07:55:00.001-07:00

In the midst of this troublesome world, it is amazing to know that some people will brighten and loosen up your stressful day. I am a witness to a lot of laughter and smiles just because someone greets a person. Simple pleasures as what other people refer it. I have a lot of simple pleasures and even if not all of this happens every day, I still cherish every bit of my happiness even if it is just shallow.

In school, I admire some people who inspire other students unintentionally and it satisfies me that some of them know my name and they even smile and say hi every time we see each other. Hearing and responding to their greetings makes me feel special and it allows me to be proud that I know amazing people like them.

At the hype of studying for an important exam, everyone is cramming and it seems like no one knows someone all people think of are themselves but in the university that I am studying, it seems like everyone is selfless and they try to fill what other people need before their own. As a freshman, I still don't know the DOs and DON'Ts of our school but I shouldn't worry about getting lost because someone will surely find me and bring me back to the right path. I have sweet friends who make me feel special and seeing them happy makes me happy too.

When I was in high school, I don't really like to give hugs to everyone and hold someone's hands but now, hugs are like gestures of thanks and it is already normal for me to hug someone even boys. Hugs are special gestures given to special people and I like hugging my college friends but of course, I miss hugging my high school close friends.

Food. Simple food satisfies anyone's tummy especially the food given by special people. Today, while I was answering Math problems, someone gave me a pack of DingDong and I was really surprised that I took a picture of it and I will post it in my Tumblr soon.

Life is indeed full of surprises. The pressures are nothing because all of those will be covered by the goodness that other people give to me. Never in my wild imagination did I ever think that I will learn to appreciate simple things since I have high standards when it comes to choosing and appreciating the moments in life but being on my own taught me to appreciate little things done by important people because this might not happen again. Maybe that's why I don't take not of the things that makes me sad, I don't because sad moments are often forgotten and buried by the happy moments that I shared with important people in my life.

-Sheena-

Decision to be Optimistic

2010-07-26T09:27:00.001-07:00

A Monday, the time of the week when everyone is lazy to get out of their bed and prepare for school or work and it seems like everything is in slow motion. I couldn't help but feel the same thing but there is something in my mind today. Despite the fact that it's a Monday and I just had a depressing weekend, I still can't erase from my mind my plan for today and the rest of my life.

I woke up just in time for me to prepare and get ready for my group guidance at 7:45. I was the earliest among the other students; I took it as a good sign and continue with my plan. I shared some things that should be kept private so I won't share it here, probably I will but soon. Anyway, after the group guidance, I went to my next class. The atmosphere was a little intense since out teacher will return our test papers. I passed the exam but not with flying colors but I won't let that affect me today. I want to just smile and be happy. My class ended and so, I went on with my happy feeling but that was all. A feeling, the feeling stopped when everything that happened last weekend sunk in. I am alone and some people think of me as a mean a snob person. I can't change myself for the few people; I should change myself for myself.

My afternoon class passed by so quickly. I wasn't able to notice the time as it struck four in the afternoon, my P.E. but my teacher didn't arrive so I stayed and talked to a lot of people. I watched a bit of the SONA but settled to read the speech at home so that I could get to know other people. It was an emotional afternoon with my friend. I want to cry because it seems like we have the same problems, okay. Not only do we have the same crushes, we also have the same problems and worries.

My day ended in school. I haven't seen any of my crushes but it doesn't matter anyway. I rode on a jeep going to a mall to meet with my dad. It turned out that I rode the wrong jeep. I was so worried but good thing nice and approachable people talked to me and instructed me on what to do and where to go in order to reach my destination. It was raining but I didn't mind it since I have an umbrella and I'm wearing my most comfortable shoes. Finally, I saw my dad and he bought a lot of stuffs for my new place. We ate dinner and I went home. Inside my head, everything seems like floating. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to expect. Everything is turning out to be bitter and sad but my happy nature and carefree feeling won't let this moments touch me turn me into a different person. I am still looking forward to smiling to people and talking to them. I will stick with my plan, to get to know a person before judging him or her. Everyone deserves to be known first before they'll be judged. J

I could remember my Philo professor discussing about the perspectives in life. If I will think of life as a happy one, then it will be happy but if I'll think of my problems all the time, then the world will really be full of problems. I guess I'll settle with the word smile other than stick with the word FROWN.

-Sheena-

Question Left Unanswered

2010-07-25T05:58:00.001-07:00

Why is the sky blue?

I should have known. That question caught me off guard and not too soon, I realized that not answering that question would cause me a lot of things. Expect the unexpected as they say, I want to turn back time and go back to that conversation. I want to clarify things and be more open and I want to answer that question. Why didn't I expect random questions to be asked? I never felt good since then, the memory that Thursday afternoon kept on playing in my mind and I can't help but feel awkward. That person knows personal things about my past already and I'm not so sure if there was confidentiality in that interview. I shouldn't have told him about my friends in the first place, I should have kept quiet and cited experiences that are not so personal but all I ever thought of that moment was to be open and that were all.

I learned something anyway and that's what matters.

I haven't gone home for three weeks now and I could hear people ask me if whether or not I miss my family or home and I feel uneasy whenever I tell them that I don't. Honestly, I really don't miss my family. We have open communication, I can talk to my mom anytime of the day and my dad's visiting once in a while so there is no sense if I'll say I miss them. I probably miss them but everything is going so fast and I can't seem to think of missing anyone at home except for everyone. I let it out but I'm too busy to think of it so it doesn't affect me so much. Lazy days such as this day allowed me to think of the questions my friends often ask, do I miss my family? How do you feel that your family isn't here and you're alone in your place?

I don't know what to answer. I honestly don't think of that because I choose not to. If ever I do, then it would be difficult for me to live here.

How I wish people would stop asking if how is for me to be alone because every time they do, I would be reminded that I am really alone. How I wish wouldn't ask about anything at all but asking is the nature of a person so I guess I'll try to deal with it calmly and professionally. Questions open my mind to the things I try to ignore or to things that I don't usually give importance to but there is something that annoys me; people who ask for my name every time we see each other. I mean, come on. What's the point of asking for my name every time we meet if you won't put it in your mind?

I'm now talking about one person now but I think should stop because if ever this person will accidentally bump into this blog, the person might be guilty and he might kill me for talking about him in my blog. Oh well, I'm probably attracted to him anyway and soon this feeling will fade away. I should just put a smile on my face because people won't just randomly ask; sometimes, just sometimes, they ask because they care. I think that's the positive way of looking at this situation right now.

I've been ranting for so long now, I might hit the sack or wait for midnight rather because tomorrow is my friend's birthday and I want to greet her on the eve of her birthday.
I miss home but I'm going home soon and besides, I have another home here in school so it won't be too difficult. I hope.

-Sheena-

Stop, Think, Wait a Minute

2010-07-25T04:40:00.001-07:00

These days are not my favorite. I'm alone in my room feeling the misery that I've been trying not to feel. A lazy Sunday, that's today. The time where everyone is out and I'm done doing my chores, all I have to do is face the book report that was assigned to me two months ago. I've been procrastinating and I'm down with the last few days before the deadline. The thoughts in my mind are all tangled and compressed in an unbearable way. I never felt like this before, misery was not in my vocabulary not until everything sunk in and not until I was able to realize that yes, things are not the same.

I have nothing to do but that book review and study my most favorite subject, Math 11. Don't hate me, I'm becoming sarcastic.

When these days come, I try to think and write random things. I turn to my blog as my outlet of these tangled thoughts and everything flows like the river near our campus. I remember those days, things were different. There was no river and not much trees, everything is natural but in a different way. Oh well, I miss high school. Boys were different there; all they think are girls and their own selfish pleasures, they joke around and treat everyone like the girls they could find on the streets who flirt with them. I am this girl who loves to chat and talk with them about anything and everything but now, I am different. I guess that's the normal abnormal way now. Things change and people change. These days, I'm scared of talking with the guys and instead content myself with my own set of friends. I'm not scared of talking random things to the dudes. I just don't want to be close and feel like we are close, who knows, things might change. I have good guy friends in college and I treat them like my older or younger brother. I look at relationships differently now and without malice, I hope that won't change. Playing around and joking with them isn't my thing now. If I tickle a guy, I couldn't think of anyone but my high school friend, I miss him so much and his random text messages would make me want to hug him. I just hug them or talk to them casually, that's me now. I'm not so happy with this type of treatment but we'll see what will happen. One thing's for sure, I'll do anything to keep them as my friends.

I shouldn't be comparing so I'll stop now. I'm happy with what I had and what I am having. I should learn how to content myself and learn to accept things. I've had a lot of downfalls since the start of the school year. I thought I regretted something but at the end of the day, it isn't regret that I got but lessons were learned.

I think I'm happy. I'm not sure of the reason but I think I am. Even if I miss my home, I recently found two places that I call home. I have a school and friends who are slowly becoming my family here in the new place I never thought would be my home. School for most people, especially high school students, is a place where everything is stressful and busy but definitions of things would change in the situated-ness of a person; school for me is home. A place where I could express myself and act the way I am. There is a bit of intimidation with the rest of the people since most of them are great people while I am still struggling to be more mature and deep but other than that, they seemed like family to me and I'm happy to be there.

Things change and that's the normal thing. Even if I want other things to stay as they are, I am still aware that sooner or later I will face a reality that could change my life for the better if I choose to let it happen that way.

So much of my rant and nag, I'm still not contented with what I've been saying so I think another entry might follow soon.

-Sheena-

Turning Points

2010-07-02T23:27:00.001-07:00

Despite the hectic and pressuring schedule that everyone is going through, there will always be a point in a person's life where he would stop and think of what's going on in his life. Then, he would realize that a lot of decisions were made and those decisions often change the person's definition of life and what composes it and what would make him enjoy it. During that point of his life, he would realize that there are some misconceptions of life and that it is greater than how he see it. He would view it as a beautiful panorama filled with beautiful colors and unique struggles that would made him look at the world in a new perspective.

I graduated from what I could describe as jolly, happy-go-lucky and tentative part of my life which is high school last March. With the graduation marks a new beginning and now, I am slowly changing into someone new and different from whom I think I am. I left Bohol hoping to find a better and more meaningful life, not that I didn't have a meaningful life here, I just feel like there's more to learn aside from the lessons that my parents are teaching me and I'd like to experience a life where I struggle to live. My parents chose a simple place for me to stay, forbids me to watch TV and I have no yaya to wash my clothes so, I have to do it on my own. I buy food for myself and budget my own money, pretty much like living a simple life independently and this is it. For me, this is freedom. I'm driving myself to wherever it will take me and I make decisions that might benefit me or jeopardize the harm that I will be facing but that's something I have to deal on my own. I know what I have to do, conquer my fears and leave life the way I want it to be without too much influence from other people. Too much has changed and I'm happy that the transitions that are happening are for the better and it makes me proud of myself. Before, I couldn't leave without watching TV but now I don't seem to like the shows that the television are showing so I stick around and be entertained by my own way of entertainment which is my cellular phone. It would be impossible to abandon my phone since it is my only medium of communication to my parents and friends but I'm starting to limit myself from using it and I should be serious in dealing with my addiction to this thing. Way back in high school, I don't get contented with only an hour to go online and check my mail and blog but this time, I'm slowing down and I am not into online stuff already since I feel like there's more to life than the cyber world. I feel more real when I deal with tangible things and when I have personal friends talking to me in person, I appreciate people who will really talk to me and not just invite me to be their friend in different social network sites like Facebook. I was never addicted to Facebook or to any of its games and that's a fact. Though I can't seem to leave my blog since it is my only outlet of emotions and my means of expressing what I truly feel and I love my affies so I can't leave them completely and besides, writing or blogging is already a great part of my life. In fact, if I could only choose for my own happiness and love, I would have chosen creative writing as my course in college but things will always turn out differently. I am now a student struggling with Math 11, Philosophy 1, Natural Science 2, Social Science 2 and Biology 1 and all the rest. I am taking up Management in a university where I didn't expect to study. Who would have thought I could pass its entrance exam and enroll here despite the difficult struggles that I have and still having. Life is weird yet fun to live. It is complicated and broad but nevertheless, it will always be filled with life changing lessons and happy memories though some of the experiences that I will be having are difficult and painful, it is still something that we should accept because things happen for a reason. Lastly, I couldn't separate love from the different changes that's going on in my life; I have recently decided to disregard any emotion that would distract me from doing good in my studies. I forbid myself from having crushes and I shouldn't admire guys too much because it might just hurt me and would cause me to fall back but the sad thing is, I am not even sure if someone would catch me when I fall. Anyway, I love my single life now. My heart will never be complicated again because it will never be and I choose for it not to be.

No matter how I plan my life to be, there will always be a point where in I would disregard those plans and proceed to life changing solutions for my problems. Sometimes, all I have to do is fake a smile and I could already pretend to the world that I am happy even if I am not but luckily, I have friends who would always tell me to look at the bright side. I'm glad I have amazing friends, in that way I won't be missing home so much and I don't mind if I don't have a partner in life right now since at this point in time, my main goal is to finish college with flying colors. J

-Sheena-

P.S.: By the way, I am not the high school girl that everyone is scared of. I've been smiling all the time and I've been doing my best to be friendly to everyone because I want the world to be a better place and I don't want to be branded as the snob girl in college. J

No One’s Waiting

2010-06-27T06:37:00.001-07:00

The story of my heart ended last Friday. Yes; the love story that I thought would last until forever, the story that I hoped would be the story of my life and the guy that I thought is the guy for me were all gone. It isn't someone's fault but mine. I actually thought of this to come days ago, I can't blame him for cutting our connection and for actually giving our relationship a space. I am but an immature person who doesn't think of other people's emotions, and by other people I mean the emotion of my one great love. I didn't realize that his short and bitter text messages would be the signs of our relationship to be over. Damn. How stupid could I get not to even notice and how stupid I am to actually tell him about my days of my crushes who doesn't even have half of his ideal personality. I want to patch things between us but I don't know how. A call would probably do or a text message saying sorry or I might sacrifice my time and actually go home and talk to him but I guess things will never be the same. We might be friends but I guess that would be it. Friends.

No one will wait for me and neither will I wait for someone because if there is that one person who is worth my wait it will be him. I know I sound pathetic and naïve but I don't think I should ever thought of acting properly because properly isn't what other people need. I should be acting and showing what I truly feel.

Funny thing is, someone asked me about my love life earlier and I answered "I don't have one. It just ended." And then she told me that falling in love is nice and it would make you feel better then I answered: "Falling in love will only be nice if you're sure of your feeling and that if the person you love is loving you in return or if it is a mutual feeling that you feel. " The person that I was talking to didn't answer back and then, my mind just told me that I am already living the real world and I am not dreaming or imagining. I am broken hearted but soon with the schedule and pressure that I have will soon let these painful emotions be forgotten. J

So, I must say good bye to love. And by farewell, I mean seriously farewell. It hurts but what can I do? The thing that happened is an event unavoidable and unpredictable. I must just concentrate in my studies and make my life a better one. I might even blog often. J

-Sheena-